Im sometimes hesitant to write some of my feelings here so I have to state to all readers that I love Tristan to pieces. Each day that I see his smile it warms my heart and there isnt anything in the world that I wouldnt do for this child.
However---- Im struggling with feeling like am I someone hes bonded with? I dont know what my expectations were honestly with a second child. Jonathan hates this but because I didnt raise Noel, my only experience with mom-hood is Elijiah. And he really was a piece of cake. He was a mommas boy and very attached to me from the get go. I could easily see from his reactions that he wanted to be with me, had some separation anxiety when I was away, and to be honest, sometimes felt nice to be so appreciated. Im not sure what Tristan feels for me, but its not the same as it was with Elijiah. I think that because the pregnancy with him threw me eyes deep in depression which required some professional help, being so incredibly sick, suffering through the labor and delivery which was not in my control, only to bounce immediately back to my happy self, fall deeply and madly inlove with our child, only to find out that I- super mom to Elijiah, couldnt soothe, calm or care for a colicky child left me full of doubts. To feel so helpless in being able to bond normally, because he was crying so much, slept so little, having to return to work so quickly and turn him over to others during the day hasnt been good for me. Thankfully hes outgrown his constant crying, but because he still doesnt sleep during the day, when I arrive to pick him up from daycare, hes more often than not exhausted, irritable and hard to console. I spend the 2 hours a day that I have him often feeling overwhelmed because I still am unable to make him comfortable or enjoy play time when hes so tired. Jonathan and I do our best - but we know he needs his sleep and often times by 6pm hes out for the night. Weekends are good, as we really make up for the week, by following a strict regimen of naps followed by lots of play time and I feel that we reconnect during that time. Maybe because hes teething, maybe because its Friday after another long week of not having good quality time with him....whatever the reason I feel that as long as someone is caring for him he doesnt really care who it is. Could be his day care providers, could be Jonathan, could be anyone of his grandmas. But me, mom- well Im just one more person that takes care of him. I think if I felt that all my sacrifice, exhaustion, migraines from my own lack of sleep, etc etc was rewarded by a child who let me hold him, cuddle him, lay with him without his flapping around, twisting and turning to move any which way...perhaps Id feel better. (Sigh) this is im sure just a phase, one that as time passes Tristan will know who mom is, but for now at the end of a long work week and I feel desperate to connect with him again.
3 comments:
I can relate 1000% on this. I have secretly felt so guilty about not connecting with my second child (the screamer). My first kid was an angel baby, and she is an angel toddler . . . I wish I was bonded to my son the same way I am with my daughter. I love my son to pieces, and heaven knows there isn't anything I wouldn't do for him, but our relationship has been challenging. I guess it's harder to have those warm and fuzzy feelings when you are being screamed at/to ALL THE TIME. It's even more difficult to leave the screamer with care takers because you know they are just going to get an ear full. (In my case, my family members have flat out said they won't watch Dallin. They would adopt Hannah in a heartbeat though. That always makes the situation more real because other people are validating the severity of your colicky child.)
I know the bond with my son won't be the same as with my daughter. Every relationship is unique, and I'm working on changing my mindset to realize that ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS are different. (I certainly don't have exact same bond with my parents as I do my husband, and the bond with my husband is different that the bond I have with Hannah . . . you get it). Like you, I had a different expectation of what my relationship would be with my son, and it's not his fault. It's mine.
Hang in there. I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.
I went to college psychology classes when behaviorists ruled the earth. Skinnerians convinced us all that environment was everything, and perhaps the worst disagreements I had with my father-in-law was his peculiar belief that kids actually show up with some of their personalities already intact! "How strange!" I thought, until my second and third children arrived -- each very different from the last. Honest, We really did treat them all alike, except perhaps Jonathan who was a baby when Cindy was very ill.
Cindy helped a lot with Monika's twins and even just after birth we found them quite different. They even behaved differently BEFORE they were born. (Non-identical twins, of course.) In any event this little Tristan has a mind of his own and seems to be a very social little guy. He's right at the age when he should be recognizing that some people are "strangers." Most infants at about six months begin to reject strangers and become fearful if a stranger picks them up. They'll "flirt" at a distance -- but the distance has to be substantial. It will be interesting to see if Tristan goes through that stage, or if he remains generally social and trusting.
The other thing about being cuddly is absolutely built-in. The twins are totally different. Don't even THINK about hugging Kallen. He thinks that's a wrestling hold and he'll cross-face ya. He's been like that from the beginning. Dixie is 80 and she's still like that.
I, on the other hand, . . . well you know me.
Attachments children develop are unique as well. Monika is kind of a "keep your distance" sort of gal, but her daughter Celie is emotionally stuck to her like a tick. I've never seen a child so attached to their mother.
All of this sort of gives credence to the pre-existance of the soul.
Once the Behaviorist notions began to fade, I came to cherish lines from Wordsworth's Ode on Intimations of Immortality:
Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:
The Soul that rises with us, our life's Star, 60
Hath had elsewhere its setting,
And cometh from afar:
Not in entire forgetfulness,
And not in utter nakedness,
But trailing clouds of glory do we come 65
From God, who is our home:
So, perhaps Tristan was a busy little social guy there too?????
thanks you guys- both of your comments have helped.....its been a good saturday with the boy as well.
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