Avalanche Software

http://avalanchesoftware.blogspot.com


So if you are interested in seeing some COOL stuff check out my company's blog.

These are the folks I now recruit. FUN!

My girls!

So as I was posting the last post I remembered my friends!! The above picture isnt great because its missing brenda- she would be on the far right if the picture wasnt chopped off....anyway Im posting this because Abbie, the girls lap I am sitting on, is moving to Chicago this weekend. SO SAD! Its a great oopportunity for her, she got a promotion, but sad for the rest of us. All six of us, me, abbie, andrea, allison, brenda, tisha have known eachother for what 11-12 years now? Its been a group of girls that has bonded over work, love, divorces, weddings, kids, and all of lifes stuff and to have one of the group go is tough. Allison has this great scrapbook of all of us over the years and its amazing. These women while we are all so different have been there for me and vice versa and I feel tremendously blessed to have them in my life. Our going away girls dinner for Abbie is tomorrow night..so Ill definately post some pictures .....

Blah Blah

So Jonathan asked the other night why I hadnt posted for a few days...the answer- my life at the moment is lame. I go to work, which is so boring there isnt anything to report, I come home 90% of the time feeling sick and lay around on the couch till I can go to bed at 8pm. SOOOOO when I think as to why there isnt anything to post, its because for the time being there isnt anything to talk about.

However just because my pregnancy is kicking my butt thus far, doesnt mean people around me are just as boring. Jonathan is busy each day with potentially new opportunities at work, he is excercising everyday, cooking dinner and cleaning the house. He is superman. And it is much appreciated. Elijiah seems to be stir crazy, when I asked him why he is going a million miles an hour around the house, he stoped looked at me and said- because you dont play with me anymore. WOW, I felt like the lamest mother ever. It is true though...he is like the tasmanian devil, and all I do is comment from time to time from my fetal position on the couch.

On an up note, Jonathan and I will be making the trek up to Cody, WY for the Labor Day weekend. Hopefully I will feel good and we can have some quality time together because next week is a bit crazy. Wed - Fri Ill be in Austin, TX for a gaming convention.

Ode to old times

or the link....to view larger ( honored to be on her portfolio )

http://carbonbased.biz/jvave.htm


Ok, so as we were headed back from our trip to canada we stopped off at my aunts to stay the night. Well she has this wonderful collection of old photos on her fridge of family and I noticed there was one picture of my friend Jenna and I back when we were 16 and 17 years old. We were posing with my uncle ed. I got a good chuckle out of the photo and I honestly didnt remember having taken it. With being pregnant now, thinking back to when I was pregnant with Elijiah I cant help but think of this show( Jenna's debut ) She was graduating from Fashion Design school and this was the big show of all the students. It was a huge production, I flew in from Utah, and one of the makeup artists that was working on me was someone that I had worked with in the past- it was fun to catch up. When Jenna asked me to be a part of her final project it was going to be a bit of a challenge...she was designing outfits for each model, and obviously I was the only one flying in, so she had to complete my outfit kinda last minute.( See above on runway- Jenna literally put everything together in 2 days for me to wear this- true talent) The kicker was I was pregnant with Elijiah and didnt know how big I was going to get( lucky I was only about 4 months along and I didnt show a ton yet...) So I arrive in SF the weekend of the show or I should say a few days before hand and did an array of fittings for her. She obviously had to expand the waist line on the pant suit she designed but I was pleased to be a part of this wonderful day for her and honored she asked me. Jenna and I were as close as sisters. We often got called that as well. She and I were and are kindred spirits and I have always been grateful for her friendship. We were tight as thieves for many years and while its been hard since we live on opposite ends of the coast, I know she is always there. Jenna is a smashing design success now in NY and living her dream.......

Motherhood

(Keeva and Elijiah 2 years ago)


I want to quote a passage from a great book I just finished...it talks about motherhood in a wonderful way...as I was reading this, it rang so true.

" Watching something you love grow is both pleasure and pain. Each new phase- crawling, walking, talking, brings shouts of praise but with each also is the mourning of the phase gone past. Never again the cluck of her chin as she fed, never again small enough to carry in one arm while I stirred soup or carried wood with the other; never again an infant lying on the blanket in the fields while we worked. The soft down of her scalp, fingers the size of beads, the whispers before words come, behind the joy of each new talent, I regretted the passing of the last. I had a secret longing to keep her small and precious and a part of me. As miserable as I was during pregnancy I now often dreamt that she was back inside my body and that the two of us were floating like that forever, clinging to the other for soft comfort in some eternal womb.
Time is impatient to take your child from you. So you learn that each moment is precious, and that life is an inevitable clock. The pleasure of rearing a child is just a prelude to the pain of letting it go, and I anticipated that with an ache every day of her small life. I thought it would make it easier when she finally reached adulthood. But it didnt.
No matter what wisdoms or tricks for happiness you learn, a mother worries every day of her life for her child. A wise one will pretend to let them go to keep them, but its just a sensible lie. Motherhood is a sweet, sweet suffering; a joy today is marked by fear for tomorrow and a craving for yesterday."

I read that and realized that I too have mourned the passing of each stage for Elijiah. I remember for instance when he was first born and I would pray- oh just get him to sleep through the night, oh my how great it is when he doesnt have to drink formula, or seeing him walk then run, or the spoons afixed to his palms change to his match box cars. His head of curls go to the staight hair and shaved head....each little memory of him is burned into my mind, and I am amazed at how fast each stage passes. The roundness of toddlerhood to the lanky limbs of childhood, and even when he is being a stinker I cant stay mad for long. I often wondered how people can be cruel to children, especially mothers....how can a mothers instinct to love and protect her child at all costs not exist? All I know is the mother I am to Elijiah is the best one I can be. And with each new thing he learns and as he becomes more and more independent from me I too have mixed emotions... Of being so proud of his accomplishments, but equally sad at the passing of time.

How True? Just ask a woman....

The first thing you need to avoid a fight with a woman, especially one that is near and dear to you, is to know the language of a woman. Especially one that is not to happy.

Here are nine words women use… knowing what they mean will keep you out of 75% of the fights that you get in. For the other 25%, simply accept that your wife does more, knows more and needs more than you do.

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you’re welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying CENSORED!

9.) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s
wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to #3.

*******************

So after reading this I thought, is this true? I re-read the thing, and realized that yes it is. While some women out there will disagree, I personally have been using these tactics unknowingly over the years.

Self Awareness

So I have had a personal breakthrough....I complain. I dont want to perse...but I do. Ive come to realize that if my life isnt going perfect then I complain. This doesnt even have to be about bad things. Like if I have a headache or being sick, or tired, or whatever. I hate this about myself. I tend to be the eternal optimist, but at the same time complain about random things. Wait, is that even possible?? A true example of this is all this week. I have felt crappy. All of a sudden the pregnancy has hit me with morningsickness that seems to last all day and nothing except laying down makes me feel better. Well I havent told anyone at work( I want to wait till Im 3 months) so I put on my best smiley face and keep trucking along. The whole time I just want to vomit and crawl under my desk. When Im on the phone with anyone( which to be honest is a select few....the energy it takes to have a conversation also makes me ill) all I do is complain about how ikky I feel. Why cant I say in passing-im a little sick but life is great, Im pregnant yipee! Is it because im the type of person that cant see positive things? That perhaps my optimism is really a farse? For all those that have to endure and listen to my random rants and raving over the course of knowing me- IM SORRY! I realize Im not likely to change, but still at least now Im aware.

Another thing. I have said this before, but I think Im a great mom. Well let me back up. There are those out there that might disagree with me, but I try hard. I love Elijiah more than life itself, I would do anything in the world for him, I worry about him, I try try try to make his life a happy and a carefree one. I worry about where he spends his day, how he spends his time, what he watches, what he eats, I make a point of spoiling him a bit here and there, but keep him to tight expectations and a schedule. I shower him with hugs and kisses, try to make good decisions about his future, and do my best to teach him the important stuff. But all that being said, he has played too important of a role in my life to an unhealthy degree. He has me wrapped around his finger and he knows it. I think it all stemmed from giving Noel up and him being born healed a big chunk of my heart. So I doted on him to the exclusion of being an attentive friend, wife etc. Now some of you reading this will say you can never love your children enough, and to a degree I will agree with you.....but freaking out about leaving your child overnight with grandparents so you can celebrate an anniversary or go on a date is a bit overboard. Being so anxious at leaving him that I would often start to sweat on my way to work and cry...or be in such a hurry to get back to him that I could feel my heart literally jump out of my chest. So what I have learned is this. Grandparents want to see their grandchildren on occassion. Its okay to have a date night. Children will not hate you if you are 5 mintues late from picking them up at daycare. They will not call someone else "mom" if I work out of the home. Yes I have missed things while working, but Elijiah is doing great. His teachers at school constantly tell me he is well liked, very observant, kind, smart, and thriving. So for this next baby....I think I will actually be a better mother. I will stress less, enjoy parenting more, be less anxious about daycare( the baby will go to the same place as Elijiah) give more time to being a wife, and take better care of me.
Ah a day of revelations!

sisters

So before we left for Canada, we decided that we should do a night out. Whitney flew in from GA, and Jessica wasnt going to Canada this year, so for the sisters to hang out, a night out would be a way to see eachother. We decided to go to Green Street, and it was actually fun. We ate, talked, danced a little....
sorry honey- not the best picture of you...

the old days....

So the story is this....I modeled a bit here and there growing up. I went to Italy and did stuff. I seemed to work a lot and then not so much....really hit and miss. But it was fun, I made good money doing it, I was in catalogs, on greeting cards( yes the two pictures below were turned into greeting cards...) did runway work, ads, campaigns, etc. I did my last show( for my friend Jenna) when I was pregnant with Elijiah. That was my fairwell to the industry for the most part. I still cant get the "model" out of me in many ways. I tend to be simple in appearance and style, I watch and get a bit crazy about my weight, love fashion and in my heart of hearts wish I was still doing it sometimes. But those days are over. The links below are of a shoot in which my friend Mariann and I did together. I think I was 16 or 17? I dont know. Anyway I ran across some old greeting cards and decided to look the photographer up for old times sake and realized that we were on her website still.... FUN! So enjoy her stuff- some of it a bit riske, but I like a lot of her photos...I did a second shoot with her later on and got some good stuff from it- but alas none of that made it on her webpage.....


http://abigailhuller.com/photography/fashion_photographer/full_size.php?picture=tiburon%2F001000+-+zrussian-snow.jpg&returnto=%2Fphotography%2Ffashion_photographer%2Ffashion_photography.php

( Marianne and I)


http://abigailhuller.com/photography/fine_art_photographer/fine_art_photography.php
( Marianne and I again- second from the bottom row on the left....I will warn you- scantily clad photos of others --what the photographer considers intimate on same page....so fair warning to you all....)

Canada

Nice napping place....

Mom and I

Look at our outfits! We are stylin!

Here is a picture of the beach .....nice huh?

Me- sleeping..:)

Someone thought it would be funny to take a picture...and say- make sure you get her hair in there!! What can I say?? My hair is a frizzy mess!

View of the lake...or shall I say just the very little slice of heaven we enjoy.

Jonathan soaking up some rays...

Isnt he cute?!

Elijiah

So my lack of posting has been due to us being in Canada for 10 days. We drove- a long 21 hours and we reached our final destination- Shuswap Lake on a Saturday evening. We stayed till the following friday in which we headed out for the long ride home. Overall the trip was great....nightly campfires, hiking, boating, skiing, wakeboarding, eating....the weather was only good about half the time tho....the other half we were gifted with much rain and cold. Thank goodness for my love...he kept the fire going almost 24 7 the last few days. Elijiah had a wonderful time and Im glad we went. Got to see cousins and family I hadnt seen in years, and also catch up with those we see frequently but not nearly enough. I have to say that im finally feeling like crap with the pregnancy. Im 7 weeks now- and sick all day all night.

Fatherhood and Jonathan

So I just finished an article on different types of dads. From the sperm donor, 73 year old, stay at home dad, military, etc. It made me relfect upon Jonathan. Ive known some wonderful fathers, and you never know what type of parent you are going to be until you are one, but with Jonathan there are unique challenges that he will face. With having Elijiah split his time in our house, there is often a delicate balance of how involved Jonathan is with him. I see Elijiah alternate between indifference, to love with him, and its usually the same with me. Elijiah on a good day is very affectionate, interested in what we are doing, and seeks us out or allows me to smother him with motherly attention. Other days he is content to play with friends, watch a TV show, go outside etc. Its like I have a visitor in our home that is not terribly interested in being a part of things. Its those days that I struggle. I see Elijiah so little as it is....but Jonathan has had an especially difficult time trying to find his place. He is always kind, polite, but firm with his expecations of Elijiah and how he behaves. He gives him a warm hug when he gets home and when he goes to bed, they play on the computer now and again together, we go on walks and I think we are an average, normal blended family. But I know he wonders how involved should he be. The fact that we are pregnant I think is wonderful. It will somehow make things less= yours, mine....but ours. This baby will connect Jonathan, me, and Elijiah to something that will belong to each of us. Jonathan will no longer have to feel left out. This baby will be his, and I know its a role that Jonathan has been waiting for his whole life. Its still so early in the pregnancy, but knowing Jonathan will be willing to help, take an active role as a father, be a great care taker and excellent role model, makes me happy.

As a hubby, he is sometimes too kind to me. I often think that I dont deserve him. My nature to be self reliant and independent sometimes grates on him, but luckily he has patience for me. Other days I cant get enough of him. He likes to feel needed and to be honest I like needing him. But it does seem weird. Khory and I had a very independent relationship. I felt we were often ships passing in the night. Jonathan and I are attached in the best way possible. With Khory I often commented to him that after 5 years, 9 years he was sometimes a stranger to me. He kept himself very distant, like he was afraid of being vulnerable and close. It is a true detriment in a marriage. You cant really trust your spouse if you feel uneasy with them, or parts of them are unaccessible. With Jonathan, I can look at him and tell how he is feeling. I feel in tune to his moods and thoughts. I know without words what he is thinking and its a blessing. To have someone truely trust you with their heart and be willing to share parts of themselves they never have shared before. To make a real go at anything it requires a lot of risk. It sometimes pans out and other times not, but Ive learned in a marriage you have to be willing to put it all on the line. Its not worth doing the other way. Jonathan is teaching me this. For in reality its been hard for me to share parts of myself, especially those things of which I am ashamed of. Ive made terrible mistakes, hurt people, and to own up to those things are tough. So far, I have at least awknowledged them, and havent repeated things, but they still haunt me. ( Like the time I beat up my sister....thank goodness she is such a loving person she forgave me) I guess my ramblings are to really pay ode to Jonathan. The man he is, that he loves me inspite of my imperfections, his goodness and kindness....his willingness to sacrifice for our family, to do what it takes, to walk FAR from the edge of the fence( he really is somewhere in the house, not even close to the fence haha), to treat all the women in his life with love and respect, to nurture and at the same time show strength. He has been willing to see through what others havent, to seek true understanding and provides compassion to me at times most needed. Thank you Jonathan for all you do for me, our family and for the father you will be. I look forward to the path of parenthood with you will all the unknowns that will come.

Interesting survey

So if your a girl, and you used to read cosmo, the favorite thing was the interesting, random, usless survey's that they had. Well now all those things are on line. So when I have had too much time at work to fiddle around I often take these silly things and laugh at the results. So I did a survey on relationships, and the below was the results. Interesting. The good news, I think my "other half" has found me.

You probably don't have a lot of problems sharing your time and money with another person — not to mention a bathroom. You respect the institution of marriage and look forward to being part of that covenant. Short-term bliss is okay, but long-term togetherness that's the real deal. You're more ready than most to partner up with someone for life, excited to embark on the journey of creating a life together. And the good news is, there's someone out there equally excited about finding you for the same reason.

and me....

Not the greatest liking...but pretty FUNNY!

Simpsons....

So here is what Jonathan looks like simpsonized!!! I dont know how much the above picture resembles the simpson character created- but its close! haha!

Men, men, men

http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/personal/07/30/how.to.man/index.html

So Jonathan, would this work on you??