Its strange as this has been on my mind for a while...I have to admit I have "broken up" intentionally with one friend over the years, and have been on the other end of the dumping with another friend. The one friend- that I dumped was toxic, and was needed. It wasnt a true friendship where trust and mutual respect was involved and thus I felt no guilt over. However my friend that dumped me caused me some pain. She and I had a good friendship..at least I felt we did. We had a lot in common, mutual respect and a good foundation. But I must have done something because over the last year our friendship faded out much to my disappointment. I only wish I knew what it was.
It started as a reflection of sorts as what kind of friend I am. I consider myself very loyal. I make a lot of effort. Granted sometimes things come up and I have to cancel something, but I have done things for friends that would deem me worthy of being called a good friend. I cherish my friendships, they mean the world to me, I look forward to girls nights, and catching up. I miss my friends that I grew up with and do my best to stay in touch, to visit when possible.
I have two best friends that I grew up with. They are both out of state and we rarely see eachother. However both parties make an effort to call several times a month to stay in touch. I have another childhood friend who I considered one of my dearest and closest friends. She also is out of state. But this is a friendship over the last few years has become increasingly onesided. I dont get return calls, or emails, I made a big trip out to visit last year and had a blast but little has been done to sustain that since. I have felt very sad. Like perhaps I should let it go...it obviously doesnt mean as much to her as to me, and in the end I dont want to end up being a bother. I think of all our time spent growing up. Because we went to the same schools, in the same ward, spent most of our freetime together, from 7th grade to high school graduation we had a friendship that I thought would last. Granted we have had different paths as adults, but I didnt think that would make much difference. I have realized however that people will grow apart, no matter how close they start without nurturing the relationship. Same for any relationship. So Ive come to the realization that I probably wont have the ongoing lasting friendship with this person that I hoped.
I found the below article on just the subject and thought to include:
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Breaking up with a friend? Not so simple, and a bit more unusual. But sometimes, quite simply the best, if certainly difficult, option.
Julia Feldmeier's article in last week's Washington Post addressed this challenging life choice. She considers the various ways a friendship can end - the so-called "quick and dirty", or the more drawn out, some might say passive-aggressive approach.
First, an unreturned phone call and an ignored text message. Then a delayed e-mail, mildly apologetic, but, alas, life has been so hectic, so busy. You'll get together soon, really! The use of exclamation points is intended to suggest sincerity, earnestness...This, of course, is misleading. It's the phaseout, the nonconfrontational and oft-preferred method of ending relationships.
She concludes,
That is why breakups are so bittersweet. No matter how unsatisfying or destructive our friends may have become, we've invested in them. Bound to us by shared experiences and memories, they're hard to delete from our lives. Nostalgia is difficult to shake loose.
Perhaps that's why so many of us hope for the subtle phaseout: a way to distance ourselves without burning bridges. We keep the door open for the small possibility of reconciliation, the chance that they'll change, that we'll change -- or that circumstances will find us together again, in need of company, if not friendship.
Vikki Ortiz, who blogs about the "adventures, disappointments, relationships and revelations of 20- and 30- somethings living in Milwaukee," for the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel is making some similar decisions.
I think breakups with girlfriends are, in some ways, even harder than breakups with guys, because they go against everything we've told ourselves about friendship since we were little. We signed our fourth-grade yearbooks with "Friends Forever," and honestly believed that's the way it would be...
After fourth grade, however, you start realizing that circumstance has a lot to do with why you are friends. If you don't have the same teachers, classmates, neighbors, roommates or whatever to talk about, you really have to find other ways to relate. History can only get you so far.
To complicate things further, your personalities begin to mature and evolve, which is mostly a good thing - except that it also can make us unrecognizable to the people who only knew your "before" version.
That's the situation I'm dealing with right now.
Brian Finch of Acid Reflux (also Miss Retrovirus) writes a lot, and well, about living HIV positive, and a little bit recently about a friendship running its course.
Just as with a boyfriend, one cannot just overlook the bad stuff and focus on the good in hopes of it just going away or not being bothersome. You can be a giving, caring, and a good person. But if the negatives remain, the resentment builds.
Sometimes the break-up isn't inevitable. Felicia C. Sullivan wrote recently on the Huffington Post about "How to Prevent the Best Friend Bust-up", after a potentially friendship-ending conflict with one of her closest friends. They found that communication was key, and often difficult - a funny thing in a world where it's supposed to be so easy.
It's a tragic irony that in our technologically advanced society, where one is able to reach someone in a myriad of ways (text, phone, email, blackberry, and the dinosaur: the letter), communication breakdowns run rampant and can destroy a friendship. Set aside time to have those critical conversations, preferably in person. Never engage in the email flame-war! Even with our frenetic schedules, Kate and I made a point to do the mid-week check-in.
Lain Ehmann, aka Knit and Purl Grrl of Scraphappy wrote an article a few years back called "Now It's Time to Say Goodbye: Ending Friendships", which Little Kou recently posted.
For many women, friendships are among the most important things in their lives. Some assume that the longer the duration of the friendship, the better the friend. But that's not necessarily true... The decision to terminate any relationship should come only after you've concluded that the connection is unsalvageable and you're better off without that person in your life. Remind yourself that ending things is the best decision in the long run, and that doing so will make room in your life for more positive, nurturing people.
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In the end I hope my friends know how important they are to me, and how much I appreciate each of them...I hope the friends I have now will be my friends when Im 80!
