Self Awareness

So I have had a personal breakthrough....I complain. I dont want to perse...but I do. Ive come to realize that if my life isnt going perfect then I complain. This doesnt even have to be about bad things. Like if I have a headache or being sick, or tired, or whatever. I hate this about myself. I tend to be the eternal optimist, but at the same time complain about random things. Wait, is that even possible?? A true example of this is all this week. I have felt crappy. All of a sudden the pregnancy has hit me with morningsickness that seems to last all day and nothing except laying down makes me feel better. Well I havent told anyone at work( I want to wait till Im 3 months) so I put on my best smiley face and keep trucking along. The whole time I just want to vomit and crawl under my desk. When Im on the phone with anyone( which to be honest is a select few....the energy it takes to have a conversation also makes me ill) all I do is complain about how ikky I feel. Why cant I say in passing-im a little sick but life is great, Im pregnant yipee! Is it because im the type of person that cant see positive things? That perhaps my optimism is really a farse? For all those that have to endure and listen to my random rants and raving over the course of knowing me- IM SORRY! I realize Im not likely to change, but still at least now Im aware.

Another thing. I have said this before, but I think Im a great mom. Well let me back up. There are those out there that might disagree with me, but I try hard. I love Elijiah more than life itself, I would do anything in the world for him, I worry about him, I try try try to make his life a happy and a carefree one. I worry about where he spends his day, how he spends his time, what he watches, what he eats, I make a point of spoiling him a bit here and there, but keep him to tight expectations and a schedule. I shower him with hugs and kisses, try to make good decisions about his future, and do my best to teach him the important stuff. But all that being said, he has played too important of a role in my life to an unhealthy degree. He has me wrapped around his finger and he knows it. I think it all stemmed from giving Noel up and him being born healed a big chunk of my heart. So I doted on him to the exclusion of being an attentive friend, wife etc. Now some of you reading this will say you can never love your children enough, and to a degree I will agree with you.....but freaking out about leaving your child overnight with grandparents so you can celebrate an anniversary or go on a date is a bit overboard. Being so anxious at leaving him that I would often start to sweat on my way to work and cry...or be in such a hurry to get back to him that I could feel my heart literally jump out of my chest. So what I have learned is this. Grandparents want to see their grandchildren on occassion. Its okay to have a date night. Children will not hate you if you are 5 mintues late from picking them up at daycare. They will not call someone else "mom" if I work out of the home. Yes I have missed things while working, but Elijiah is doing great. His teachers at school constantly tell me he is well liked, very observant, kind, smart, and thriving. So for this next baby....I think I will actually be a better mother. I will stress less, enjoy parenting more, be less anxious about daycare( the baby will go to the same place as Elijiah) give more time to being a wife, and take better care of me.
Ah a day of revelations!