Motherhood

(Keeva and Elijiah 2 years ago)


I want to quote a passage from a great book I just finished...it talks about motherhood in a wonderful way...as I was reading this, it rang so true.

" Watching something you love grow is both pleasure and pain. Each new phase- crawling, walking, talking, brings shouts of praise but with each also is the mourning of the phase gone past. Never again the cluck of her chin as she fed, never again small enough to carry in one arm while I stirred soup or carried wood with the other; never again an infant lying on the blanket in the fields while we worked. The soft down of her scalp, fingers the size of beads, the whispers before words come, behind the joy of each new talent, I regretted the passing of the last. I had a secret longing to keep her small and precious and a part of me. As miserable as I was during pregnancy I now often dreamt that she was back inside my body and that the two of us were floating like that forever, clinging to the other for soft comfort in some eternal womb.
Time is impatient to take your child from you. So you learn that each moment is precious, and that life is an inevitable clock. The pleasure of rearing a child is just a prelude to the pain of letting it go, and I anticipated that with an ache every day of her small life. I thought it would make it easier when she finally reached adulthood. But it didnt.
No matter what wisdoms or tricks for happiness you learn, a mother worries every day of her life for her child. A wise one will pretend to let them go to keep them, but its just a sensible lie. Motherhood is a sweet, sweet suffering; a joy today is marked by fear for tomorrow and a craving for yesterday."

I read that and realized that I too have mourned the passing of each stage for Elijiah. I remember for instance when he was first born and I would pray- oh just get him to sleep through the night, oh my how great it is when he doesnt have to drink formula, or seeing him walk then run, or the spoons afixed to his palms change to his match box cars. His head of curls go to the staight hair and shaved head....each little memory of him is burned into my mind, and I am amazed at how fast each stage passes. The roundness of toddlerhood to the lanky limbs of childhood, and even when he is being a stinker I cant stay mad for long. I often wondered how people can be cruel to children, especially mothers....how can a mothers instinct to love and protect her child at all costs not exist? All I know is the mother I am to Elijiah is the best one I can be. And with each new thing he learns and as he becomes more and more independent from me I too have mixed emotions... Of being so proud of his accomplishments, but equally sad at the passing of time.