Fatherhood and Jonathan

So I just finished an article on different types of dads. From the sperm donor, 73 year old, stay at home dad, military, etc. It made me relfect upon Jonathan. Ive known some wonderful fathers, and you never know what type of parent you are going to be until you are one, but with Jonathan there are unique challenges that he will face. With having Elijiah split his time in our house, there is often a delicate balance of how involved Jonathan is with him. I see Elijiah alternate between indifference, to love with him, and its usually the same with me. Elijiah on a good day is very affectionate, interested in what we are doing, and seeks us out or allows me to smother him with motherly attention. Other days he is content to play with friends, watch a TV show, go outside etc. Its like I have a visitor in our home that is not terribly interested in being a part of things. Its those days that I struggle. I see Elijiah so little as it is....but Jonathan has had an especially difficult time trying to find his place. He is always kind, polite, but firm with his expecations of Elijiah and how he behaves. He gives him a warm hug when he gets home and when he goes to bed, they play on the computer now and again together, we go on walks and I think we are an average, normal blended family. But I know he wonders how involved should he be. The fact that we are pregnant I think is wonderful. It will somehow make things less= yours, mine....but ours. This baby will connect Jonathan, me, and Elijiah to something that will belong to each of us. Jonathan will no longer have to feel left out. This baby will be his, and I know its a role that Jonathan has been waiting for his whole life. Its still so early in the pregnancy, but knowing Jonathan will be willing to help, take an active role as a father, be a great care taker and excellent role model, makes me happy.

As a hubby, he is sometimes too kind to me. I often think that I dont deserve him. My nature to be self reliant and independent sometimes grates on him, but luckily he has patience for me. Other days I cant get enough of him. He likes to feel needed and to be honest I like needing him. But it does seem weird. Khory and I had a very independent relationship. I felt we were often ships passing in the night. Jonathan and I are attached in the best way possible. With Khory I often commented to him that after 5 years, 9 years he was sometimes a stranger to me. He kept himself very distant, like he was afraid of being vulnerable and close. It is a true detriment in a marriage. You cant really trust your spouse if you feel uneasy with them, or parts of them are unaccessible. With Jonathan, I can look at him and tell how he is feeling. I feel in tune to his moods and thoughts. I know without words what he is thinking and its a blessing. To have someone truely trust you with their heart and be willing to share parts of themselves they never have shared before. To make a real go at anything it requires a lot of risk. It sometimes pans out and other times not, but Ive learned in a marriage you have to be willing to put it all on the line. Its not worth doing the other way. Jonathan is teaching me this. For in reality its been hard for me to share parts of myself, especially those things of which I am ashamed of. Ive made terrible mistakes, hurt people, and to own up to those things are tough. So far, I have at least awknowledged them, and havent repeated things, but they still haunt me. ( Like the time I beat up my sister....thank goodness she is such a loving person she forgave me) I guess my ramblings are to really pay ode to Jonathan. The man he is, that he loves me inspite of my imperfections, his goodness and kindness....his willingness to sacrifice for our family, to do what it takes, to walk FAR from the edge of the fence( he really is somewhere in the house, not even close to the fence haha), to treat all the women in his life with love and respect, to nurture and at the same time show strength. He has been willing to see through what others havent, to seek true understanding and provides compassion to me at times most needed. Thank you Jonathan for all you do for me, our family and for the father you will be. I look forward to the path of parenthood with you will all the unknowns that will come.