thoughts

So I ran across a photo of my friends kid the other day. And was immediately struck by the resemblance of her son and Tristan. The image that she captured made me instantly want to leap out of my chair at work, run over to his daycare and spend the rest of the day smothering Tristan with kisses and hugs.

The weeks are hard at the Bechtold house, as anyone with a hubby in school knows. Jonathan leaves for work at 5:30 am and often times doesnt return home till after Im asleep at night. Between the time he is at work, his school, and then homework on the weekends, we dont get much time with him. Tristan doesnt get much time with Daddy, and I dont have the support I need to deal with a moody 6 year old.

Im not complaining...really. The decision for him to continue with school was a joint one, and one that I know will pay off once he is done. We have plans to pay off the 37K in student loans that we currently have next year, ( if we can stick to our budget), and MBA school will cost us only 5K total as his work pays for the rest...so all in all we have a good plan.....

The last few days I have taken the kids to the park after work...the boys love it. Especially Tristan. It makes me soooo happy to see them play, but its also amazing what polar opposites they are...Tristan - fearless, and wild. Trying to keep up with all the older kids...Elijiah - reserved, and retrospective- often times content to watch the other kids around him until hes ready to join in.

This is when I wish Jonathan were with me...to see what I see- which prompted the photo overload of the other day. Jonathan was inside studying and I had the kids outside so he could have some peace. The boys were so adorable that I grabbed the camera and just started shooting. I dont want Jonathan to miss everything....and I know about this time every week, he is tired, exhausted, and longs to see and kiss Tristan. Tristan likewise calls out for his "daddy" in the singsong way expecting Jonathan to answer "Tristan" in his special way. I am secretly happy they have something between the two of them that I dont have. All I get from Tristan is "MOM"( not mommy, not mama) But short, clipped and loud " MOM! ". No "moooommm" in the singing melody of DA---DDY, but that is okay.

The boys are rapidly growing up - Elijiah is causing me considerable pain at times. Truly alternating between being helpful, kind, loving and generally being easy around, to highly emotional, mean spirited, and disrespectful. I had a long conversation with Elijiahs Dad today about it- jointly agreeing on some tactics and due to Jonathan being absent, me calling on him - even a phone call to have Elijiah get a stern talking to. We both agreed that we have fallen into typical parenting roles...I being the loving care taker, and Khory the scary disciplinarian. We both realize somehow we have to do better. However regardless of these challenging parenting issues, I relish every moment being my kids mom.

The last two nights the boys have taken baths together and seeing their faces with smiles a mile wide, Elijiah helping with Tristan, and both of them enjoying splashing one another- I had a moment of rare peace. THIS is my calling, THESE boys are the reason that I love motherhood. And no matter my journey - how I started out, Im exactly where I want to be, and that my friends is called happiness.