Adoption thoughts

I was reading the other day about ethiopia adoptions. Dont know why, and really no reason. However it got me thinking about how far removed I am from my own adoption as I dont think too much about it anymore. Well I guess thats not entirely true. Im understanding more and more that decision, more than any other in my life, has shaped how I feel about motherhood. My own feelings of loss with Noel, and to a great degree Elijiah. How the divorce from Elijiahs dad was put in motion by answers to numerous prayers, but how sometimes the feelings of loosing Elijiah puts me almost in a panic. Makes me second guess my decision. Its a hard thing to describe to people or have them understand that I feel like two people sometimes. One that is so grateful for a heavenly father that knows me and loves me...directed me in many ways to Jonathan and how happy I am in this current life, but also wishes for what was because it didnt trigger the type of pain of being separated from a child brings. I know I am working through those things as well, but for the basis of my thoughts its really about knowing there is a plan and I will follow in faith. Im not sure if any of that makes sense ----
Anyway back to my thoughts on adoption...I do feel somewhat removed. I am often brought to tears when I read placement/adoption stories because of being a birthmother, but also the joy of finally being a mother I tend to relate to the adoptive parents just the same. I as a child wanted to do what Ms Jolie Pitt is doing...adopt from all over the world. I remember a sacrament meeting in which a family had done just that. They were visiting our ward, and they had lots of kids...of all colors and nationalities, and thought it was the coolest thing. I dont know why perse, other than seeing a mix of races, backgrounds - thinking you could be a cohesive family inspite of these differences would be a wonderful thing to experience.
As I grew up I never thought different. I knew I wanted my own, but the idea of helping other children and providing a loving home for them would be an incredible experience and blessing. I havent convinced Jonathan yet- and while who knows if we will ever be in a financial position to consider international adoption, it is of corse something I still think about from time to time.