More Stuff

So realizing that I am damaged goods...almost not repairable---Well okay Im repairable, but the humpty dumpty rhyme seems to ring all too true, I took 24 hours to myself this week and it was wonderful.

It was homework given to me, and I to be honest had been putting it off. Who wants to do deep soul searching and dealing with stuff that is heavy? NOT I! I realize that Jonathan and I met after a lot of life thus lived, but I really didnt imagine that my past life would continue to haunt my present. So off I went to do some deep soul searching and trying to put my brain in a good place. I must say that I was in lala land up till I got pregnant...it was then in what was supposed to be a happy time that my so called "totally put together life" was crashing.

Now I will also say that one must truly deal with crisis when one goes through it. It doesnt do any good to put it in a box in the closet and keep moving on with life. Oh it gets you through the days and after a few years you think "Im over it!!"
But something totally unforseen or planned( as it was with the pregnancy) can somehow bring the skeletons out of the closet. I did realize that pregnancy was the trigger, but boy- it sure sucks. I think when dealing with a crisis, or heartbreak or whatever its best to awknowledge it and deal with it right away. Because to be honest my independent, self assured, confident, totally at peace person I realized was just a big joke.

So back to my 24 hour stint. I really would have liked several weeks on a beach, but a day and half of alone time was all I could muster up. I have to say while parts of my time alone was not fun, it was the first time in years that I could sit for hours and just think. Reflect, write, pray, read. I found there are some things while previously impossible may now be a possibility( nursing school for instance) and other things will always hurt. For example- while I dont think about Noel, all is GOOD. But when I really analyze my feelings, there is still some strange weird feelings there. I no longer think this is a problem- it is what it is. And its ok. For the most part acceptence is key for me. Regrets, etc will be a part of my life, I made the decisions and so I live with the consequences. I understand that. So Im trying to figure out how to live with those consequences but not allow them to hurt my present life. Fun.

Ah youth. To go back and make changes. There is lots I wouldnt change, but several things I would. But thats me. Feircely independent and forging my own way. I am completely jealous of lives that seem or are uncomplicated. Difficulties sure everyone has, no one has a perfect marriage or perfect kids etc. But Im not talking about day to day stuff.

Anyway I came away from my time knowing this. I have a lot that I need to work on. I have a lot of personal growth to see to. I have set some goals, I need to focus everyday on working on those things. Likewise there's a ton of things Im proud of. It was a good 24 hours.