My life

Ive put off posting anything for a few days because in large part I dont know how much information to share. This blog is for me, to ramble about life, etc....but I know that many of our friends and family log on to read it as well. I also know that this has become my place to share not only good things but some of the challenges I deal with from time to time.
This week has been no exception of good and bad. My friend Sarah made a comment that is true...I have a life full of drama. Whether I want it or not. It seems like that has always been the case. Since I was a teenager I put myself in situations that were unusual, or that gave me a variety of friends and experiences which lent itself to some odd - and ongoing "drama". From being a gym rat from the time I was 4, to dancing, to modeling, to my situation with Noel, Khory, etc. All these decisions have had their consequences and generally for better or worse, still affect my life today. My extended family is no exception. My parents divorce also is a source of complication that carries over to my life and how I deal. So when someone says I have a complicated life, or drama filled life, I cant disagree with them entirely.

This week was a rollercoaster of dealing with a situation that I have come to realize that even though I know I am right, want to fight so hard for, believe my way would be better- I had to let go for Elijiahs sake. There are two people in Elijiahs life that give tremendous lip service to what they think is a better way, but all they do proves that they care not for Elijiah, but for their own selves. I want to go on record to Elijiah - that I have tried. Tried for the last several years to make things change, to have Khory see reason, to have him understand. But our past makes it impossible for this to work. So instead of dragging Elijiah through a painful custody battle(understatement at best), having his parents end up hating eachother(which we are close to at the moment) because it will be more ugly than I care to admit to myself, and more destructive to all parties, I have thrown up the white flag, even though my whole heart and soul believes it is wrong. I have no ability to negotiate in the future, and leave all of this on my faith that Heavenly Father will help me and Elijiah as time goes on. I love Elijiah more than life itself and I cannot make him suffer anything more because of his dad. The one positive thing that I am seeing is that while Khory is verbally abusive, and that abuse once made me hurt and caused damamge beyond what I thought possible, the things he said to me this week bounced off more easily. I consider that progress.

Jonathan has been my rock. Unbelievable considering all we have dealt with this past year. He has his own challenges and stress- work and school give him a lot to deal with, but add my life, well what can I say. He's pretty remarkable.