TMI? Yes Im sure....

There are lots of things running through my mind all week. I wish I could turn it off which is why Im sure I ended up with a migraine this morning. Tristans 3:45 wake up call didnt help. There wasnt much sleep after that just cat naps till 5:30 when I fed him. All is well - maybe too good which is why I have been silent. I am constantly trying to say to myself that Im happy this isnt a dream which I will wake up from. See comparisons cant be helped...when I gave birth to Elijiah I thought I had everything. A loving husband, a home, a new baby, we were moving up the career ladder - the future looked bright. Little did I know that the dark was just beginning. Imagine believing you were in your happy place and the rug being pulled out from under you. Well a cheating spouse when you have a several month old baby is quite a shock. Oh I knew in my heart of hearts things were hard. Starting a new job, new baby, less time for us, but I just thought it was a stage- that it too would pass. My body would heal, I would eventually be back in shape, baby would sleep- get older....so really "us" time was here and there but it was ok. We had a precious little boy that WE created. To say that I was devastated is an understatement. I was rocked to my core to think that the man I loved and trusted could do this to our family. That his selfishness eventually lead to so many things- some Im responsible for - others not, but that ultimately made our family separate. To this day thinking about it can make my knees buckle with the effects on both Elijiah and I. No longer do I have my child with me everyday to watch grow and to protect. I have to let him go more times than I would like and sometimes not know what happens with him for days on end. Yes I talk to him but I dont KNOW whats going on. There are things that will never be good. And I have to accept that.

The reason this keeps coming up for me is I know Jonathan and I are rock solid. But for the first time in 5 years Ive let myself become vulnerable again. I love this man more than he will ever know. I find myself at the same time in a new marriage- new baby and wonder if its going to be okay...I do trust Jonathan completely but I have been asking - "Honey we okay? All is well? Were good right? " I have no doubt that Jonathan is a different man than my ex. And that he and I are solid. I dont take what we have lightly and I know you cant take someone for granted or assume that because you live, have children with, love someone that it will all work out fine. Marriage is hard work. Our marriage is better than I ever expected. The movie "waiting to exhale" keeps coming back to me, and it seems like finally its my turn...I can finally breathe again.