As I sat in my car this morning trying to muster the strength to get out, wipe the tears from my face and get on the elevator to face my day at work, I had to ask when will the merry go round of my life end? I seem to have once been the super woman of all things. Juggling parenthood, work, and life pretty well. My career was satisfying; I was doing well, making strides in an upward motion juggling both the family life and career, and my social life well. However when I started working for my current employer and got pregnant with Tristan it seems nothing has been the same. Ive felt stagnant and uncaring about my career progression, infact even going as far as wanting to go get out of what I am doing. My juggling act has left more balls in the air and on the ground than completing the circle, and I have felt out of balance emotionally, physically, and spiritually in the last couple of years and its not been a good thing. I don’t know what tipped the scale. Was it the addition of the second child? Or the addition of a second child that was so demanding and less easy going than the first? What I do know is that I am drowning.
My headaches returned as expected once I gave birth to Tristan as they always do – the only time I am migraine free is during pregnancy. However I contribute any increase in frequency due to lack of sleep. I tend to believe that once a baby starts to sleep through the night they will go to the more normal range of once a week or 2-3 x a month frequency. However with each passing month since Tristan was born and them getting worse, ( the headaches) I realized that I needed to try again some new things…and revisit some old. Acupuncture was on the list. Tried for 2 months. ZERO improvement. Tried watching my diet and what I ate, nothing really triggered them specifically. I still wasn’t getting a lot of sleep but Tristan never slept well so I figured we were in for a long spell. Having a colicky and crying child didn’t help the nerves and stress, but he would grow out of that right? Work was always a battle of stress and juggling work/home life was just part of the game. Come 8 months after Tristan was born, more ER visits than the previous 10years put together I went back to the neurologist for what I thought would be the last resort. Daily medication. Topamax did help…but I lost 10 pounds, became very scatter-brained, lethargic, tired, and didn’t have a lot of energy so I cut back a bit on my meds hoping to still gain some effect ,but not keep the trend of losing weight and having no energy. It worked for about 3 months. I was able to manage my headaches with my medication when they hit, not always with one dose but with usually two, and if not, then a trip to the ER. However with the death of 3 family members, a daily commute of over an hour each way to work, Tristan screaming much of those commute hours, him still not sleeping well and getting up each morning between 4:30-5 am, renters that gave us headaches( no pun intended) it seemed that my migraines were returning with not only more frequency but with additional severity.
Over the last few months I have literally been having headaches 4-5 x a week. Sometimes lasting 24-36 hours at a time. Where I take my medication and have a few hours reprieve, it then it returns and I take a second dose of my meds, however I have then maxed out on my medication and it still doesn’t go away completely. I am in pain for another day or more until it finally goes away. Ill be pain free for a day until another one hits. This one either being a new one or a rebound and the cycle continues. I am forced to not take anything or double up on medication increasing my imitrex and narcotic intake making me susceptible to tolerating my medication and rebound headaches. Im currently in Physical Therapy 3x a week…this is the last resort my doctor said. There is nothing left to try. As my migraines become debilitating, Jonathan has to take care of not only me, but our family on top of managing his new job, and school. He often has to drop everything he is doing to pick me up from work, take me to the ER, find someone to watch the kids for me last minute or like the last time, take time away from work, get his family to drive with him several hours south as I was driving home from San Diego so he could get me off the freeway and drive us home. And this isn’t even half of it. NOOOO Sirreee…..its now hitting me emotionally. Im getting depressed. Im having a hard time functioning at work. Im starting to not be as productive as my headaches are daily, it hurts to look at a computer all day, Im frustrated, easily moved to tears, impatient with the kids, all I can focus on is how Im not healthy, whole, draining Jonathan who is working so hard to do well at his new job and going to be starting a very stressful grad program….He even said that if he has to he wont go to grad school in a few weeks if we don’t come up with a solution. He cant take care of everything and start school….well this isn’t acceptable. Hes worked too hard not to do continue….so something has to give…but what?
So what are the options? We have looked into just turning the house over to the bank( its been for sale for 18 months with no bites, tried to refi- no go) so I can quit my job, get healthy. But that is hard to consider. That is very stressful to think about. How will that affect the family long term? What are the consequences? Would we be better off with me just home with the kids? Less stress ? Yes—but would that be the answer? We are talking about it….Of the things that are disposable in life, - family NO, health- NO…job and a house??? Well Yes…..I can always take some time off work and return later to the work force…and maybe we would have to rent for a while. We don’t know the answer but, all we do know is something has to change. Ideally I would love to work part time. Have some flexibility. But that hasn’t been much of an option where I am currently so that isn’t an option unfortunately…..owell…everyday we worry about this…everyday we are trying to come up with a solution, a new solution that will make it so my health is restored. In the mean time, the thread that is holding me together is unraveling quickly and hopefully a miracle will occur. Perhaps we will sell the house, or maybe the PT that Im doing will suddenly kick in and Ill have another week without a headache. As Im writing this its now been 38 hours that Ive had a headache. Ive taken 2 imitrex and one barbiturate and its only taken the edge off. All I can do is keep getting through the days and hope that the next day will bring some saving grace.
The only thing that I can say at this point is Thank you. Thank you Jonathan for being the incredible man, father, husband you are. You cannot possibly imagine how amazing you are.
I told Katie to turn around otherwise I get a butt shot of her...but she remained turned....sooo what I am to do??!!!
Here we all are doing our best to fill 30 packs as we had to deliver them later that same day...needless to say it was a good time.
After we delivered the backpacks we got a tour of the school ( its a k-3) school primarily serving the Hispanic community and ESL population at night to help them learn English. Its a wonderful outreach school with many needs. While it was a small donation in the grand scheme of things, it still felt good that we as a company and as individuals did something that was meaningful and appreciated.
This is the computer lab/ library. All of the computers were donated by a grant and it incredible to see that these kids get access to top of the line technology as their "east" side students. To much inequality to start out with and these things really help. Anyway it was a fun day ( well several weeks of collecting donations, but a day to get everything together and delivered) and it was well worth the effort.
