Im sometimes hesitant to write some of my feelings here so I have to state to all readers that I love Tristan to pieces. Each day that I see his smile it warms my heart and there isnt anything in the world that I wouldnt do for this child.
However---- Im struggling with feeling like am I someone hes bonded with? I dont know what my expectations were honestly with a second child. Jonathan hates this but because I didnt raise Noel, my only experience with mom-hood is Elijiah. And he really was a piece of cake. He was a mommas boy and very attached to me from the get go. I could easily see from his reactions that he wanted to be with me, had some separation anxiety when I was away, and to be honest, sometimes felt nice to be so appreciated. Im not sure what Tristan feels for me, but its not the same as it was with Elijiah. I think that because the pregnancy with him threw me eyes deep in depression which required some professional help, being so incredibly sick, suffering through the labor and delivery which was not in my control, only to bounce immediately back to my happy self, fall deeply and madly inlove with our child, only to find out that I- super mom to Elijiah, couldnt soothe, calm or care for a colicky child left me full of doubts. To feel so helpless in being able to bond normally, because he was crying so much, slept so little, having to return to work so quickly and turn him over to others during the day hasnt been good for me. Thankfully hes outgrown his constant crying, but because he still doesnt sleep during the day, when I arrive to pick him up from daycare, hes more often than not exhausted, irritable and hard to console. I spend the 2 hours a day that I have him often feeling overwhelmed because I still am unable to make him comfortable or enjoy play time when hes so tired. Jonathan and I do our best - but we know he needs his sleep and often times by 6pm hes out for the night. Weekends are good, as we really make up for the week, by following a strict regimen of naps followed by lots of play time and I feel that we reconnect during that time. Maybe because hes teething, maybe because its Friday after another long week of not having good quality time with him....whatever the reason I feel that as long as someone is caring for him he doesnt really care who it is. Could be his day care providers, could be Jonathan, could be anyone of his grandmas. But me, mom- well Im just one more person that takes care of him. I think if I felt that all my sacrifice, exhaustion, migraines from my own lack of sleep, etc etc was rewarded by a child who let me hold him, cuddle him, lay with him without his flapping around, twisting and turning to move any which way...perhaps Id feel better. (Sigh) this is im sure just a phase, one that as time passes Tristan will know who mom is, but for now at the end of a long work week and I feel desperate to connect with him again.
This child is contstantly doing the weirdest things...I just happened to catch him on camara this time...
IM SO LOVING dog sitting for my Keeva. With Khory out of town Ive had the pleasure of hanging with my "baby". While 7 years old now, and getting grumpy at times, shes still my puppy. She follows me around and is very mellow.. However she doesnt like to be apart from us for long, as I realized the first night. I had her dog bed( the one that I saved from almost 2 years ago) in the living room. She was up all night coming to our bedroom door and whining. I moved the bed to the hallway outside the room, and she promptly laid down for the night. Ive enjoyed several runs with her, and while she is an escape artist out of her crate(houdini should be her name) Im so happy to have her for these last few days. While this is bringing up the topic of getting another dog, Its hard for me to say for sure what we will do. Certainly not in this house...its just too small...but perhaps the next house we will consider it. Im going to miss her when shes back with Khory.
