It was Khorys weekend with Elijiah so I took advantage of Jonathans study time for some R & R. He got me a gift certificate to a spa for my birthday, and I ended up booking the ultimate facial. Now let me say I love all things spa related. If he gave me that gift every year I would be a happy camper. As a mom I feel bad taking that time and money on something so frivilous if you will, so as a gift? I love it!!! It was bliss. Thanks honey!
So the other night Jonathan and I were talking about Elijiah and how hard it is for me now that he splits his time between Khory and I to be super strict with him. When I was married to Khory, this wasnt hard, he was an easy baby and toddler, he listened well, knew when he was wrong, and I prided myself on consistency and structure. Now that hes in and out so much, I find myself wanting Elijiah to have a good time when hes in our home. I hate hearing the words" I hate you, I want my dad", "When do I get to be with my dad again?" So I try and make his time a happy time, full of love and still some structure, but Im started to fail in a few areas. Such as not wanting him mad at me so doing everything I can to make things right even when I know he needs a time out, or whatever. An example of this:
We were all eating dinner and a comment was made about no one likes to be bossed around and that Elijiah needs to make sure he isnt bossy with his friends at school. Well Elijiah took immediate offense to this jumped up from the table was terribly upset, and ran to his room. I gave him a minute and then went down to Elijiah to talk to him about it. He yelled at me to leave him alone but no...I couldnt do that. I had to follow him around ask him what was wrong, why he was mad and to come upstairs and eat. I realize my stubborn child will do what he wants and ultimately didnt join us, but I had to try. Jonathan made a point that in a normal situation I would have probably let him throw his fit and come back when he was ready and then talk to him. But since Im so worried about every little thing I cant just let things go.... Im going to work on this.
Does anyone know about divorce guilt or experienced it? Its dreadful. I already lament my time away, and so the precious few hours I get with Elijiah I just want to be good. Over the last 6 days Ive had 3 hours with Elijiah, and today Im crawling out of my skin. Its been too long. I miss my son. Im starting to feel anxious. Oh I know this is life. I have to get used to it. Khory needs this time with Elijiah as Elijiah needs time with his Dad. Somewhere in my backwards mind though I think to myself, nope Mommy time is most important, and it would be ok if he was with me 100%. I know this isnt true. I know he is fine. Or this is what I have to tell myself alot so I dont fixate on how little Ive seen Elijiah in the last week. Today on my lunch break I even ran over to Elijiahs school for 15 mintues just to say hi, give him a kiss. Pathetic I know, but there is a feeling of relief. I got to hold my child for just a minute breathe in his smell and I think Ill be okay for another 24 hours- I get him tomorrow after school. This coming week Ill have Elijiah Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. Then it will be Khorys turn again. This is my life and this is the part of it that really sucks.
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