Working Mothers

In case you are like many folks and see a hyperlink and never click...let me help you out today. Over at The amazing trips she posted this.( Ive copied and pasted the majority of the post incase you dont want to head over and would rather just read the text.) Ive loved her blog not only because she is a working mother, but because of her incredible selfless giving, honest failings, and struggles of motherhood and shes just darn funny.

She has struggled to accept a job that will relocate her family across the country from a flexible work at home job to a corp 8-5 job.

Now I know Im lucky. Which is why I havent left my current role. I have flexibility...I work from 7:30 am till 3pm where I can then get off work, pick my kids up from school, spend time with them, run to various activities, cook dinner, and generally see my children for about 3-4 hours a day. VERY nice indeed. ( it still would be nice to work from home on occassion, or work PT at my job - just sayin') When I get home I can log on the computer and respond to any emails that need my attention or do work when needed. Workplace flexibility is KEY to being a working mother. When you dont have balance - your life and your childrens lives suffer. I still dont understand why AMERICA ( along with providing better/longer maternity leave) is sooo far behind in work life balance and flexibility in the work place. I could write a NOVEL on this subject, but instead Ill let her post do the talking:


"My current boss called me earlier this week to tell me that because the children are due to start kindergarten in the Fall, this move would happen in June. So that by July 1, I am sitting behind my desk, in my new office, in my new assignment. A new assignment which sounds absolutely wonderful to me. Minus the whole sitting in my new office every day stuff.

Being who I am, ye unable to hold a secret, I spilled the beans and told my boss what is going on. I also told him that I suddenly have considerable hesitation (and heartburn) (and nausea) (and bouts of drowsiness) about taking a job that will pull me away from my family for 40+ hours a week.

He said that he understood. And he called his boss to tell him the situation.

When my boss called me back a few minutes later he essentially told me that the boat had left the dock. I accepted the position, they expect me in the position. In an office. Monday through Friday. Either Seven to Four. Eight to Five. Or Nine to Six. My boss was told by his boss, that he needs to coach me to take this job because it has already been communicated to senior management and there is no backing out. If we need assistance with childcare, we can hire a nanny.

(Or two.)

Now, please. Imagine my response, if you will.

First, imagine me thinking, "Are you seriously telling me that I need to put my CAREER before my FAMILY?" And then, imagine those words coming out of my mouth before I could stop them. Words to the effect of, "Are you telling me that I need to put my CAREER before my FAMILY?"

EVERY WEEK DAY?

To some, this might not seem like a big deal, but to me, someone who has worked out of their home for the past 10 years, in an extremely flexible job, it's like being thrown in to a lion's den.

There was more discussion, most notably - my boss telling me that although the expectation is that I accept this job, he does not want to feel guilt down the road for putting me in a position that rips me away from my children.

(My boss is a very good, compassionate man.)

We concluded the conversation and I told him that I'd be in touch.

The next day he called again. Twice. But I never answered my phone because I didn't know what to say. There is a BIG part of me that wants to move and since I said I'd take it, I feel like I should. Moreover, I essentially had us mentally packed and out the door, living on the east coast - two months from now.

But as more information emerges about this job and what the expectations are on me, I feel positively weak. Like I have absolutely no control over how the company is going to use me, and work me, and drag me away from my family, and yuck. I don't want it. Despite the benefits and pension and all things that shine and glimmer.

I DON'T WANT IT.

Because the gain is not worth the loss.

Today, I decided that I just couldn't avoid my boss any longer, so I called him. And because I'm nothing if not open to a fault, I told him that the reason he hasn't heard from me in the past few days is because I have been deliberately hiding from him and screening all calls.

Then I told him that while I want this job and I am more than happy to move, and even though I've already accepted it, I absolutely will not take on a job that will force me to be in the office - five days a week for at least eight hours a day. Especially given my current situation. Ahem.

If, however, the company is willing to allow me some flexibility - such that I arrive every day at around 9 AM, and depart every afternoon at around 1 PM, and continue my work in the early morning, or evening, once the children are down for the night, that would suit me just fine. But I am not going to consistently tell my children that Mommy cannot volunteer in their kindergarten class room because it would be frowned upon by her company.

I am not going to miss out on my children's lives because of WORK.

My boss, a man that I really respect and appreciate, hesitated before saying, "OK, so let me make sure I've got this straight. You don't want this job?" I replied, "No, I do want this job and I want the relocation. But I don't want this job under the conditions that I currently anticipate."

He hesitated again and said, "So, what you are saying is, you cannot take this job and be in the office every day from 8 to 5?" I clarified, "It's not that I cannot take this job ... it's that I will not take this job, with zero workplace flexibility. So if they are not willing to make that concession, I am not willing to take it."

After a long pause, he said, "The problem is, if you want this kind of flexibility, all working mothers will want this kind of flexibility. We can't make a concession for you that we don't make for everyone else."

And I responded, "Well, I don't see that as being a problem. It is my belief that a HAPPY employee is a PRODUCTIVE employee and if you can find a way to merge family life more seamlessly with work life, you might see an increase in productivity from your employees with young children who are silently stewing and biding their time until they can break off the golden handcuffs, snatch that golden carrot and quit."

He was quiet as I continued, "I would bet that the vast majority of working mothers, with young children, and who are locked in an office, are being eaten up inside because they are away from their children for 50+ hours a week. We brought these little people in to the world so what? We can see them two, maybe three, waking hours a day? That is totally unacceptable. In this day and age and in our profession, with computers and cell phones and broadband coverage, it doesn't have to be that way. It shouldn't be that way. It's time our management evolves to better accommodate the working parent. There are a lot of excellent employees out there who are simply not willing to sacrifice their family life for their career. However good that career might be."

My boss laughed and said, "I totally understand your position. But let me take it up line and see what happens. I'm not feeling too optimistic that management will endorse your plan."

Heres to hoping that one company, one woman gets what she needs....because if she can do it, its an example that it works....giving and supporting work place flexibility. What we need is managers that are pioneers and risk takers. If we had those running our companies instead of folks locked in an old school mentality perhaps we wouldnt loose so many TALENTED, SMART woman once they start having children because they cant juggle everything....

Tulip time!

There are lots of things that my family will endure for me, and the tulip festival is one of them. See when you live with all boys...their idea of fun is not checking out flowers. :)

The weather was perfect, it was fun to see the boys run around, and I loved the gardens. My idea of a great afternoon.

Talent Day

Tristans daycare had "Talent" week this week. I was asked if I had any talents that I could share, and a few thoughts ran through my mind...mm how to show 18-30 month olds handstands, cartwheels, or mmm the positions for ballet? Yea I didnt think my gymnastics or dance skills would be a bit hit with this age group so I did what any loving wife does. Volunteer her hubby! I very enthusiastically let Nancy( Tristans teacher) know that Jonathan could come and play piano, or hey he can play guitar so hed be happy to come in! Well not sure Jonathan appreciated my volunteering him...but he was a good sport.

He didnt end up having to do much other than strum a little bit and let the kids play themselves... See they were far too excited and wanted to run around and play.

I mean wouldnt you with all those tricycles to scoot around in?

Thanks again baby for taking the time....
I know that Tristan loved having you come.
XOXO

Excited!!

You know when you are miserable and have been for a plethora of reasons--- its time to make a change? Well who knows what will happen, but I realized that my lifes goal of giving, serving and DOING hasn’t happened yet. So I decided to take matters into my own hands. I started with a little research and I found an organization that I can be a part of and do what I thought I would always do. The Utah Adoption Council is made up of legislators, attorneys, birthparents, adoptive parents and everything inbetween. Ive already been nominated for the board of directors and will be voted in in June. There is a conference in May that I will be a panelist for if all goes right, and a ton of opportunities ahead for me to be as involved as I would like.
Im grateful for an outlet to lend my experience, expertise and find a way to do something that excites me, makes me feel good, and look outside of my own little world. Yipee!!!

Forced Vacation?

So my Dad is currently in the hospital. Following a routine proceedure several weeks ago he developed an infection at the sight of his IV in his arm. This infection turned to a clot( a very large one), which resulted in it traveling up his arm and breaking into little peices within his Lungs. Not good. Currently he is admited to the hospital under careful watch.

As I have visited him he is in good spirits but obviously worried about the long term situation, as well as short term ramifications.

I tried to tell him- the work horse, and always busy Dad, that having to spend this week in the hospital was good for him. A forced rest- he could stay in bed, watch TV and relax all he wanted! I dont think he was comforted.

We are all waiting for additional details- so in the mean time I just wanted to send a shout out to my dad...I love you and I am praying for a quick/positive recovery!!!

Tristans birthday

Tristans birthday was actually last Sunday. However with conference and Easter we decided to have the celebration this weekend. We had planned to have Elijiah with us, but at the last minute his Dad took him and his sister Lauren to CA for spring break :(.

Tristans obsession with Trucks is quite funny and so we decided to do a "Truck" cake this time around. I have to say that I was a little bummed when Jonathan said HE wanted to do it and without MY help!! The nerve!!! He found seriously THE most delicious cake recipe and did it all...he just let me do the blue piping on the cake. Nice of him eh?

I think it turned out pretty cute.
Nancy and Elana
Our little bugs

Jonathan and his Mom

Grandpas and Sylah

I think Tristan had a great time surrounded by all his Family. I have to say it has been a full on straight shoot into the terrible 2's. We wonder daily if we can possibly carry on with our little one...but with one new stage - passes another...and so we keep telling ourselves we can do another day. He is currently thrashing around by my feet, carrying on about something. Oh what fun it is....

So with that buggy...Happy day. Happy DAY!

Bugs Turns 2!

Happy Birthday Little T ( this weekend)

2 years…my my. What can I say? We went from one crazy year to another…finally getting you to a happy place at about 18 months or so. As I look back at your months 12-24 so many things come to mind- both the good and the challenges. We had your first birthday at Grandma Noelles( you learned to walk there,) and in the haze that followed were the commuting nightmares with you almost 100% of the time screaming and crying during my hour to work and back. Upon getting home it was a miracle if we could sit down and eat once your dad got home and shovel some food, before you let us know you were DONE- screaming and crying. It was your tubby time with Daddy that got you to calm down. What we came to realize is that your dislike for confinement, lack of overall sleep and naps contributed to much of your temperament. You rarely slept through the night until you were close to 18 months. Primarily due to being sick so often. Oh bugs….if we got a week between outbreaks of either a cold, fevers, ear infections, mouth infections, we were lucky. I remember one particular week so terrible we were all fried. You had gotten some mouth infection that initially we didn’t know what was causing you so much pain, you cried and stopped eating for several days until we discovered what we thought were “shark” teeth behind your first set of baby teeth. Upon a dental exam and trip to the ER( one of several due to being so sick) we were told they were mouth sores. SOO sad! So unfortunately many many months passed with situations like this and no wonder you were so miserable. On the weekends you seemed to totally enjoy mom and dad around. Perhaps it was the fact you weren’t at daycare or stuck in a car, but your temperament improved greatly. About this time was also our inability to go to church for any length of time. Your dad and I would often switch off weeks, well because you know…that inability to be confined without incredible outrage? Well about 8 months or so Im not sure people even knew who we were!! Haha. The big turning point was our return to Salt Lake. Your health improved, you didn’t have to endure long commuting trips in the car, you felt better, you started to talk- express yourself and be understood…that was huge. Elijiah and you started to play together and really become buddies. It was such a joy to see the two of you finally getting along and playing. You constantly follow your brother around and cry when he’s gone. You ask for kisses when he leaves for school and it’s such a joy to see how much you love him.
Over the last little while when you were sick- we gave you your binky which proved problematic. You couldn’t be without it! If it fell out while sleeping you would wake up crying until we found another one, if we went somewhere and it wasn’t to be found…we would have to run out and buy one…thus we learned early on…that we had to have stashes of pacifiers all over the house, in purses, in cars…just in case. We finally got you off the binky kick(cold turkey) but you still ask for it daily. SAD!
You always have loved to be in the kitchen helping mommy cook. This was one way I could distract you and keep you with me during the “terrible hour” ( time between mom is home and dad comes home)You are such the little helper. Sometimes a little too much “help”. But you love to cook, come up with your own recipes and be in the kitchen. Sometimes I wonder if this is a little bit of foreshadowing for whats to come.
You recently have discovered all things truck. Dump trucks, tractors etc. You know where they are on our route to school, and if I happen to NOT go on a particular street where you know they are working you throw a fit.

Your other love – is books. It doesn’t matter what book as long as we have oodles to read together. You read in the car, on the couch at home, in our bed at every inopportune moment( like 4 am) but its seriously the cutest thing to see you running with books in hand for SOMEONE to read to you. Some books you have memorized, just like the movies you love to watch.
Your current movie obsession is Finding Nemo- before that, Madagascar. It’s a little heartbreaking to have you cry out for Nemo or recite lines from the movie when you are sad. Just the other night though during dinner prayer, you started to say “Hi” over and over again, much like a scene in your beloved movie.
You love your grandparents. You talk about them all the time. Its one of the many reasons we moved where we did…to be closer to each of your grandparents. Its wonderful that you get to see them often.

Daycare is school- and you talk all the time about your friend Sean. He and you are great buddies and pretty much are together always. Just a few weeks ago I guess Sean scratched your wrist where you had a red mark, and from then on you look at your wrist and say Sean…yes Tristan we know…GET OVER IT! LOL…you have great teachers who love you, playmates and its wonderful that as you have working parents; we don’t have to worry about where you are during the day.

Eating can still be a bit of a challenge. After we stopped giving you a bottle you have had little interest in your Milk. Hard to get you to drink enough of that…however fruits? Any and all for Tristan! Veggies? Well that’s another story. You can drink out of a cup and use your utensils although I prefer a sippy cup still…and well you prefer to use your fingers to eat! You graduated from the high chair to the table..not by my choice, but another one of your rebellions at confinement. I literally became unable to force you into it- so you won that battle.

As for the crib- well its me who wont succumb to your desire to be done with it. Due to you being such a climber and not a good sleeper- Id rather have you safe than in and out of bed all night. We purchased the crib tent and it worked well until our last move. Now like everything you have a serious aversion to it and can scream for hours on end (literally) at night. But I will prevail! Im just not up to sleeping with you each night kid, and you don’t seem to want to stay in your room unless locked up at night haha!

I really cant believe how fast these last 2 years have flown by. I guess that is how it always goes right? Im excited about all your new achievements and things you are learning, but likewise miss the baby stage that passed too quickly. Your mischievous ways, your craziness, your big hugs and kisses are the highlight of my day. You honestly keep your dad and I always on our toes and playing “parent tag” and while life was much calmer and we certainly got more sleep- you are everything to us. Thank you for bringing us closer as a family and making us not only be better in so many ways, but grateful you are OURS!!