Tristan turning 7 soon

With Tristan turning 7 soon Ive been reflecting on the last year and putting together his birthday letter....but on the side this week has been a slightly more challenging week for him and one I wanted to document. Its no secret Tristan and I struggle. Our relationship is hard, hes hard, we are not like spirits or personalities and have very little in common. Do i love this little boy? Oh do i! Hes often the subject of my pleading prayers to heaven to help me be a good mom to him. I realize much of the time I am falling short and im not sure how I can reach him. We are in therapy and the primary reason is our relationship and how that sets the tone for much of his life. Hes got other stuff - sure...but rather than wait I thought it was important to seek professional help. When asked..he cant identify WHAT it is about me he dislikes so much, but recognizes its there. His distaste, but also a desire to love me, but he cant. Doesnt. Its incredible hard to have a child reject you so. Several things happened this week...all small things but worth noting.(one thing I wont write about is what he said to our NEW neighbor) We moved into our new home just a few houses down from where we were last staying with my mother. Tristans friends so far are up in that neighborhood and one particular friend is his "best" friend. His mood changes based on if this kid is nice to him, they play that day etc. Hes a good kid this friend, and I have no problem with them playing, but hes older and has other kids he likes to play with too, so sometimes hes not around. One evening Tristan pressed me to play and as he ran out the door he forgot his shoes. I had reminded him to put them on but in his excitement to play with this friend he forgot. I guess they made a decision to head out into the "wilderness" across the street which is a open space heading into the mountains and Tristan so wanting to be brave, or included didnt return home for shoes but followed even when he knew he shouldnt. What happened next was fuzzy...I dont know how far out he got or at what point he knew he was in trouble, but his feet through his socks were filled with thorns. He couldnt walk without a lot of pain. After a some time when he should have been home I told Jonathan to go looking for him. About 20 minutes later he came in and told me he found Tristan up the street in tears and had been picking thorns out of his feet and still had a more to go. My heart hardened at first...I mean Love and Logic...natural consequences for a decision - GREAT lesson. He wont ever do that again. But how sad, and i melted thinking that as it was getting dark, he was left alone as the other kids raced home, to stuggle to walk, being scared and in pain. I took over the pulling of thorns for the next while asking him to tell me what happened but he wouldnt budge. No information to me was going to escape his lips. All I could do is give him a hug( which he tried to pull away from) tell him I loved him and take care of him the best I could. The next day was a doctor appointment that i had planned on taking him to. He got a wart on his foot that wasnt going away despite our best efforts and we needed the doctor to help. He made it clear and said that he didnt want me, but dad. While I tried to explain that it was my work that was flexible and I WANTED to take him- he was very direct in telling me I wasnt wanted. I deferred as I dont want to cause more fighting. When I showed up to take him to school afterwards he told me that he wanted to go home his foot was hurting and he didnt want to go to school. Because I insisted he go, he startled yelling, repeatedly to me and taling disrespectful until I had lost yet, yelled back he cannot talk to me that way and he was going to school end of story. Only that wasnt the end. That day because of the change in schedule and Cindy( grandma) thinking he was coming home with me, Tristan didnt get picked up after school. Tristan instead stood after school for a long time waiting for grandma who wasnt coming, and then decided to walk home.( to Cindy's after school) but she wasnt there...she was out running errands. So Tristan went to a neighbors house and they called Cindy who called me. Who after thinking about his past few days was again heartsick for my boy. So that night I was not home till late having to attend a parent meeting for Elijiah - I went to the store and bought him a tiny minecraft toy. Hoping it would be a peace offering, and letting him know that I felt horrible and loved him, was thinking about him...well it wasnt well received. Still not talking to me he took the toy, resisted my hug and questions and I ended up just walking away. Tired and late getting home I felt rejected again by him and wished for a warmer reception let it go for the day. Sigh...I am currently coaching his soccer team, one of the things the counselor has suggested as ways to bond per Tristans request is a weekly breakfast outside the home with me followed by physical activity. We have enrolled him in Jiu Jitsu which has been good for him. Hes not the most coordinated of kids regarding soccer but this sport gives him an outlet and hes really enjoying it. So in time we hope he will improve, his self confidence increases, he develops a talent/sport that he can feel proud about as having an older brother like Elijiah is hard. Elijiah is a bit of that golden child. Good at everything he touches. There are so many good qualities about Tristan that I see, I just dont get to be a part of his world like I would want. The few things that happened this week I felt were worth noting here as I know there are tremendous lessons to be learned here. Ill keep plugging along- perhaps that saying that I am sooo over- keep on keepin on is really applicable here. Ive included the photo of him and I as it was such a rare but happy moment that Hug between us is to be remembered.

Feb updates

So a few things have been happening this month...most important...NOELS wedding!

but there were some...house hiccups, the boys growing and doing the funniest things, work etc still going on too, but who cares when your oldest kid got married! :)  Jonathan took a few photos so these arent the professional ones, but will suffice for now.

And then this...we finished the house.  updates on that to come :)

January updates

January has been a lot of fun. We were all healthy which lets just say is quite the abnormality in our house. House delay again. But we are finally making progress. Floors are going down, and sheetrock is up. Choosing every house fixture, color, light, in TWO hours was tough. I thought i was good, but the flooring in the kitchen went down and I thought that is oak. I didnt choose that. I HATE oak. I paint over every OAK cabinet ive ever had...that CANT be my flooring...so I check...and I did. Mistake? I dont know all I know is NOW im second guessing EVERY design choice I might have made in my 2 hour haze. Too late to change anything, but im a little scared! Went to portland to visit Sarah. It was a lot of fun. Boys are still cracking me up everyday. Goodness I love being a mom.

Merry Christmas?

end of 2014 Christmas was a bust. the kids had a great time, but jonathan and i were completely taken by the flu and barely left our beds. it was miserable and will go down as one of the worst christmases on record I think. no pictures were taken, ( horrible i know) and literally activities of any kind never happened. thankfully day 10 and we are back to living albiet with horrible coughs and little jett still under the weather. tonight is new years. for the first time we have plans - dancing and dinner with family...kinda strange but we will see how it turns out. perhaps we can ring in the new year with a little fun. :) some plans for the next few months include a girls trip with my friend sarah in portland, AZ trip, and hawaii in march to visit my dad for a few days. the house is still under construction with a long ways to go. not sure when we will actually move as the end of jan doesnt seem possible. we are getting a bit antsy to have a place of our own again, surrounded by our stuff and get settled. all this living in limbo is taking its toll.

Jetts 2 year old Letter

Jett, Jettyboy, Jett Jett…2 TWO years old. Oh my goodness I cant believe how fast this last year has gone. You went from a baby not even walking…to a full fledge big boy! Talking in complete sentences, running and jumping, “reading” for endless hours loving all things tractor! Oh my….we moved and you have just taken to wherever you are. Some of the fun memories I have of you is just your smile, insatiable laughter, abundant hugs and kisses and honestly the light you bring to our home. We are so blessed you joined our family. You spend your days mostly with your grandma and she takes such good care of you. Reading, field trips of all kinds and playing with Tristan when hes not in school. Over the summer we went to Canada. And MAN that drive was brutal. You had to be entertained the entire time and naps? Um just didn’t happen. You fell in love with your cousin Olympia. She doted on you and in turn you followed her everywhere. You cried and cried for her when we had to go and watched and looked at endless videos/pictures of her. We tried to grow out your hair and didn’t want to cut it before you were two, but as that hair continued to grow we had to put it in an ponytail everyday. People thought we were crazy but we just wanted you to have the cutest do. Finally a few months before you were two I bit the bullet and cut it off into a bowl cut. Seriously you are the darlingest baby ive ever seen. Im not sure where you get it but having just turned two, you know how to count to 20, know the alphabet, nursery rhymes, and are just baffling everyone with the things you say. For instance when you get hurt or in trouble you say” Tristan snuggle me” or Mama snuggle!” I asked if you wanted to go visit dad who was at the house working on it the other week, and your excuse because you were watching Tractor shows and didn’t want to go was “ no…moon is high in sky” meaning its dark and you don’t want to go out at night. LOL HA my little funny boy. Nursery introduction had been a bit rocky. Instructing dad and I to “stay” every time we tried…but grandma Noelle to the rescue. You are fine being left as long as its just one of us to leave you. One of the nursery leaders though was new and asked if you were 3 and moving on to sunbeams in Jan. I had to laugh and say nope he JUST turned 2! You are the biggest kid. Speaking of the next door neighbor has 3 year old twin boys and you TOWER over them. We saw them outside and you went up to them and patted them on the head and said “ good baby” Man oh man the things you say and do that make me laugh every day. You have a blanket that you still carry around and must sleep with. Infact you need at least two or three blankets each night and you cover up your head with them. Often times Dad and I will go in and uncover you for fear you must be over heating but no matter what those blankets go over your head. You are starting to climb out of your crib, not sit in a highchair all because you INSIST on being a big boy. And a Big boy you are. I really could go on and on about this year. 1 to 2 such big changes and things happening in your life. Dad and I couldn’t be happier with you. You complete our family, and mean the world to each of us in it. We are honored to be your parents and hope for love and health and happiness for you always.

Its been a while

Its been far too long since ive written. Too much all happening.. Jett turned 2! Elijiah 12, Noel 19, ME 38. Thanksgiving, too much basketball, a new job for me....honestly I dont have a minute to spare during the day and things are going to be this crazy for a while. This pic was our attempt on a VERY cold day to take a family picture. Not terribly successful and one of my least favs over that last few years, and this is the first family photo in years that Noel wasnt around for. :( Our house is in progress, should be done within 30-45 days, Noels wedding is around the corner and the best thing is Jonathan and I booked our trip to Hawaii...first couples trip in 7 years. Its much needed. Going out to spend a few days with my dad and step mom and have hopefully a bit of down time sans kids. Christmas is coming and honestly even though we are cooped up in my moms basement apartment right now, things are going fine. Tight quarters, but its temporary. Okay thats the quick nuts and bolts and why I havent really been blogging. So little time to do anything of a personal nature outside of work on the computer. BLAH!

Happy 12th Elijiah

12, 12! Can you believe it. It’s a milestone year. I mean really…graduating from primary into young mens, getting the priesthood, one year from official teenagerhood…man time is flying by isn’t it? So this time last year we were moving into our lovely home on Hickenlooper and promising you we would never move as it was our dREAM house and perfect for our family. Which is was. You immediately felt at home and said, we aren’t moving are we? Well here we are again and yes we have moved. Just a short 8 months later. It took a lot of talks and time, but you are patient with our endless reasons. Downsizing, me trying to stay home and quit working. Simple life. So here we are at Grandma Noelles while we wait for the house to be built. This last year you tried out for a new soccer team- the BLAST and we moved you from Lehi to Salt Lake which seems to work out fine for everyone. You have become a superstar leader on your team. You have rediscovered your love of the sport and excelled a ton. You also tried out for a comp basketball team and while not quite the superstar working hard and gaining confidence. Its hard to walk on a team where you haven’t played the sport for long and expected to perform at the higher level…but you love it and doing just fine playing great defense. We had a great summer, Noel came out- granted she spent most of the time with Dan but you went lots of places, spent a week with us in Canada, played both sports and for the most part it went fast. You were excited to start school again and see all your friends. So far you are maintaining your all A’s and your friends have a hard time keeping up with you J. You and Tristan continue to be great and not so great. Actually you guys have found some common ground and interests that make hanging out easier. He still looks up to you and misses you, and I know any brotherly fights are just that. Brotherly – you love eachother a ton. Jett lol– man you little teaser! You love to antagonize him till hes screaming, running after him to kiss him- you adore him and love all over him…hes just not all that interested in returning the affection. If you play with him hes all yours…but the teasing…oh my Elijiah! You still devour book after book often reading one in just a day. You have a voracious appetite for reading and I love seeing that. I just wanted to say to you how proud I am of you. Ive seen a lot of growing up this year. You are wearing my same shoe size and just a few inches away from being taller than me. That will be a sad sad day for me you know! All I know is that our time is always so limited. I miss you so much. I love every minute we get with you and our family isn’t complete when you are not in the home. There is something special that we all feel is missing when you are gone. When you come home…its like we can be a true family again. Your 12th birthday will be a bit more mellow this year as we don’t really have a place to host…taking you and some friends to dinner and movie perhaps this Friday. So maybe a bit more grown up time…? I just wanted to wish you the happiest happiest birthday of all. I love you oodles and oodles and cant wait to see what 12 brings. Love mom