Tristan turning 7 soon

With Tristan turning 7 soon Ive been reflecting on the last year and putting together his birthday letter....but on the side this week has been a slightly more challenging week for him and one I wanted to document. Its no secret Tristan and I struggle. Our relationship is hard, hes hard, we are not like spirits or personalities and have very little in common. Do i love this little boy? Oh do i! Hes often the subject of my pleading prayers to heaven to help me be a good mom to him. I realize much of the time I am falling short and im not sure how I can reach him. We are in therapy and the primary reason is our relationship and how that sets the tone for much of his life. Hes got other stuff - sure...but rather than wait I thought it was important to seek professional help. When asked..he cant identify WHAT it is about me he dislikes so much, but recognizes its there. His distaste, but also a desire to love me, but he cant. Doesnt. Its incredible hard to have a child reject you so. Several things happened this week...all small things but worth noting.(one thing I wont write about is what he said to our NEW neighbor) We moved into our new home just a few houses down from where we were last staying with my mother. Tristans friends so far are up in that neighborhood and one particular friend is his "best" friend. His mood changes based on if this kid is nice to him, they play that day etc. Hes a good kid this friend, and I have no problem with them playing, but hes older and has other kids he likes to play with too, so sometimes hes not around. One evening Tristan pressed me to play and as he ran out the door he forgot his shoes. I had reminded him to put them on but in his excitement to play with this friend he forgot. I guess they made a decision to head out into the "wilderness" across the street which is a open space heading into the mountains and Tristan so wanting to be brave, or included didnt return home for shoes but followed even when he knew he shouldnt. What happened next was fuzzy...I dont know how far out he got or at what point he knew he was in trouble, but his feet through his socks were filled with thorns. He couldnt walk without a lot of pain. After a some time when he should have been home I told Jonathan to go looking for him. About 20 minutes later he came in and told me he found Tristan up the street in tears and had been picking thorns out of his feet and still had a more to go. My heart hardened at first...I mean Love and Logic...natural consequences for a decision - GREAT lesson. He wont ever do that again. But how sad, and i melted thinking that as it was getting dark, he was left alone as the other kids raced home, to stuggle to walk, being scared and in pain. I took over the pulling of thorns for the next while asking him to tell me what happened but he wouldnt budge. No information to me was going to escape his lips. All I could do is give him a hug( which he tried to pull away from) tell him I loved him and take care of him the best I could. The next day was a doctor appointment that i had planned on taking him to. He got a wart on his foot that wasnt going away despite our best efforts and we needed the doctor to help. He made it clear and said that he didnt want me, but dad. While I tried to explain that it was my work that was flexible and I WANTED to take him- he was very direct in telling me I wasnt wanted. I deferred as I dont want to cause more fighting. When I showed up to take him to school afterwards he told me that he wanted to go home his foot was hurting and he didnt want to go to school. Because I insisted he go, he startled yelling, repeatedly to me and taling disrespectful until I had lost yet, yelled back he cannot talk to me that way and he was going to school end of story. Only that wasnt the end. That day because of the change in schedule and Cindy( grandma) thinking he was coming home with me, Tristan didnt get picked up after school. Tristan instead stood after school for a long time waiting for grandma who wasnt coming, and then decided to walk home.( to Cindy's after school) but she wasnt there...she was out running errands. So Tristan went to a neighbors house and they called Cindy who called me. Who after thinking about his past few days was again heartsick for my boy. So that night I was not home till late having to attend a parent meeting for Elijiah - I went to the store and bought him a tiny minecraft toy. Hoping it would be a peace offering, and letting him know that I felt horrible and loved him, was thinking about him...well it wasnt well received. Still not talking to me he took the toy, resisted my hug and questions and I ended up just walking away. Tired and late getting home I felt rejected again by him and wished for a warmer reception let it go for the day. Sigh...I am currently coaching his soccer team, one of the things the counselor has suggested as ways to bond per Tristans request is a weekly breakfast outside the home with me followed by physical activity. We have enrolled him in Jiu Jitsu which has been good for him. Hes not the most coordinated of kids regarding soccer but this sport gives him an outlet and hes really enjoying it. So in time we hope he will improve, his self confidence increases, he develops a talent/sport that he can feel proud about as having an older brother like Elijiah is hard. Elijiah is a bit of that golden child. Good at everything he touches. There are so many good qualities about Tristan that I see, I just dont get to be a part of his world like I would want. The few things that happened this week I felt were worth noting here as I know there are tremendous lessons to be learned here. Ill keep plugging along- perhaps that saying that I am sooo over- keep on keepin on is really applicable here. Ive included the photo of him and I as it was such a rare but happy moment that Hug between us is to be remembered.