Tristan - Sad today

Im sometimes hesitant to write some of my feelings here so I have to state to all readers that I love Tristan to pieces. Each day that I see his smile it warms my heart and there isnt anything in the world that I wouldnt do for this child.

However---- Im struggling with feeling like am I someone hes bonded with? I dont know what my expectations were honestly with a second child. Jonathan hates this but because I didnt raise Noel, my only experience with mom-hood is Elijiah. And he really was a piece of cake. He was a mommas boy and very attached to me from the get go. I could easily see from his reactions that he wanted to be with me, had some separation anxiety when I was away, and to be honest, sometimes felt nice to be so appreciated. Im not sure what Tristan feels for me, but its not the same as it was with Elijiah. I think that because the pregnancy with him threw me eyes deep in depression which required some professional help, being so incredibly sick, suffering through the labor and delivery which was not in my control, only to bounce immediately back to my happy self, fall deeply and madly inlove with our child, only to find out that I- super mom to Elijiah, couldnt soothe, calm or care for a colicky child left me full of doubts. To feel so helpless in being able to bond normally, because he was crying so much, slept so little, having to return to work so quickly and turn him over to others during the day hasnt been good for me. Thankfully hes outgrown his constant crying, but because he still doesnt sleep during the day, when I arrive to pick him up from daycare, hes more often than not exhausted, irritable and hard to console. I spend the 2 hours a day that I have him often feeling overwhelmed because I still am unable to make him comfortable or enjoy play time when hes so tired. Jonathan and I do our best - but we know he needs his sleep and often times by 6pm hes out for the night. Weekends are good, as we really make up for the week, by following a strict regimen of naps followed by lots of play time and I feel that we reconnect during that time. Maybe because hes teething, maybe because its Friday after another long week of not having good quality time with him....whatever the reason I feel that as long as someone is caring for him he doesnt really care who it is. Could be his day care providers, could be Jonathan, could be anyone of his grandmas. But me, mom- well Im just one more person that takes care of him. I think if I felt that all my sacrifice, exhaustion, migraines from my own lack of sleep, etc etc was rewarded by a child who let me hold him, cuddle him, lay with him without his flapping around, twisting and turning to move any which way...perhaps Id feel better. (Sigh) this is im sure just a phase, one that as time passes Tristan will know who mom is, but for now at the end of a long work week and I feel desperate to connect with him again.

Okay lets see if this works..will it load sideways again?

Okay this is SO dumb. Its still uploading photos sideways...SORRY! Had to post some old photos for fun...too bad I get a kink in my neck looking at them!

16th birthday

a black phase I think I was 14?
me and cory...I was 12

a good ol family photo and me and my sisters- get a load of those shoes we are wearing?!

one of many photos

enjoyed cliff jumping from a young age!

1st grade

kindergarten

cowboy amber- i still remember this

my favorite baby photo

love the outfit!!!

Im catching up!

Okay I finally am back in the office and had some time to post the latest for Cory on his blog...so head on over there next...

That being said, even tho Im back in the office I am swamped at work so I can only do a brief recap...

First of all I have to say that I got to see an old friend the other day(Garian- see blog roll) while she was in town and that was a lot of fun. We didnt have much time, but she and her mother - in - law made the trip downtown for some shopping and I met up with them for a bit. Garian looks exactly the same since the last time I saw her, which was high school. Bryson, her little boy, is adorable and it was great to meet him. Have a safe trip home Garian, next time lets try and get the hubbys together as well......

Soccer is coming to an end...this weekend being the last game. I have a love hate with soccer season, and I definately feel that I need to put Elijiah is something else until spring soccer begins....Im thinking gymnastics!!! :)

Trsitans 6 mo appointment

It was Jonathans turn to see our child in pain. At the 4 month appointment even though I didnt cry, it created anxiety for me to be there during the shots so- I let Jonathan know it was his turn at the 6 month appointment. Everything went well - Tristan is growing and during great!
Official stats:
Height: 30 inches- over 100%
Weight:19.15lbs-78%

My yearbook pictures! Isnt this funny!!!

Weekend recap

My oh my...lots has been happening over the last few weeks. Mainly just all the family stuff, but none the less its kept us incredibly busy and overall exhausted. Tristan is now if full teething mode, and has become very irritable, and whiny. Not that I blame him . Also he has mastered the inch worm crawl. Not on all fours, but reaches out with his hands and "inches" his way across any floor, or surface. We are now having to watch him every second. He is babbling with greater consistency...saying "dada" and "mama" but Im sure he hasnt figured out the meaning. He is continuing his early morning wake up calls with little success of returning to sleep once he is up. This morning it was 4am. I think that overall all of us having a cold/sickness that we couldnt shake, little sleep, and this going on for a month or so, has left us in our current state. This past weekend was a great respite. Besides watching conference, we had Elijiahs saturday soccer game, did some errands but once home we literally holed up, ate too much and relaxed. It was a much needed couple of days.

Elijiah is doing very well. He has finally adjusted to Kindergarten and the schedule. His teachers are bringing in extra work for him so he doesnt get bored and he is being challenged. They also are reaching out to him one on one and having him be the "classroom" helper. We also got him enrolled in piano lessons and between that and soccer he is a busy boy.

Halloween is coming and I have volunteered to be a room mom at Elijiahs school so I am in charge of the class party...this being said October is full of so many activities for Halloween Im excited! We got Tristans costume at Old Navy...after searching high and low at many stores- finally finding a costume I wanted to make him, I went to old navy and found the cutest red dragon costume and bought it. Now still on the hunt for Elijiah- if I could convince him to be a knight- wouldnt that be adorable??!!!

Flashback pics of Jonathan

I have to say that Im ticked off that some of these pictures loaded sideways...I mentioned in an earlier post that Jonathan worked on the HTML code to fix it with no avail. I deleted them then re-uploaded hoping it was a glitch. But alas- not so. SO- I decided that I wanted to posted them regardless as during my yearly "blog book" I can rotate them, but online they will look this way...SORRY!

My favorite childhood photo of Jonathan
Jonathan and one of the MANY newspapers articles that highlighted him....
Jonathan and his dad growing potatoes

Piano Playing
Such determination!
Family Photo
Out Camping..
Jonathans Dad- Carl
Mom and Son
Grumpy boy!
Another Family photo
Jonathan about 1 year old...