Breaking up with girlfriends....

Its strange as this has been on my mind for a while...I have to admit I have "broken up" intentionally with one friend over the years, and have been on the other end of the dumping with another friend. The one friend- that I dumped was toxic, and was needed. It wasnt a true friendship where trust and mutual respect was involved and thus I felt no guilt over. However my friend that dumped me caused me some pain. She and I had a good friendship..at least I felt we did. We had a lot in common, mutual respect and a good foundation. But I must have done something because over the last year our friendship faded out much to my disappointment. I only wish I knew what it was.

It started as a reflection of sorts as what kind of friend I am. I consider myself very loyal. I make a lot of effort. Granted sometimes things come up and I have to cancel something, but I have done things for friends that would deem me worthy of being called a good friend. I cherish my friendships, they mean the world to me, I look forward to girls nights, and catching up. I miss my friends that I grew up with and do my best to stay in touch, to visit when possible.

I have two best friends that I grew up with. They are both out of state and we rarely see eachother. However both parties make an effort to call several times a month to stay in touch. I have another childhood friend who I considered one of my dearest and closest friends. She also is out of state. But this is a friendship over the last few years has become increasingly onesided. I dont get return calls, or emails, I made a big trip out to visit last year and had a blast but little has been done to sustain that since. I have felt very sad. Like perhaps I should let it go...it obviously doesnt mean as much to her as to me, and in the end I dont want to end up being a bother. I think of all our time spent growing up. Because we went to the same schools, in the same ward, spent most of our freetime together, from 7th grade to high school graduation we had a friendship that I thought would last. Granted we have had different paths as adults, but I didnt think that would make much difference. I have realized however that people will grow apart, no matter how close they start without nurturing the relationship. Same for any relationship. So Ive come to the realization that I probably wont have the ongoing lasting friendship with this person that I hoped.

I found the below article on just the subject and thought to include:
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Breaking up with a friend? Not so simple, and a bit more unusual. But sometimes, quite simply the best, if certainly difficult, option.
Julia Feldmeier's article in last week's Washington Post addressed this challenging life choice. She considers the various ways a friendship can end - the so-called "quick and dirty", or the more drawn out, some might say passive-aggressive approach.
First, an unreturned phone call and an ignored text message. Then a delayed e-mail, mildly apologetic, but, alas, life has been so hectic, so busy. You'll get together soon, really! The use of exclamation points is intended to suggest sincerity, earnestness...This, of course, is misleading. It's the phaseout, the nonconfrontational and oft-preferred method of ending relationships.
She concludes,
That is why breakups are so bittersweet. No matter how unsatisfying or destructive our friends may have become, we've invested in them. Bound to us by shared experiences and memories, they're hard to delete from our lives. Nostalgia is difficult to shake loose.
Perhaps that's why so many of us hope for the subtle phaseout: a way to distance ourselves without burning bridges. We keep the door open for the small possibility of reconciliation, the chance that they'll change, that we'll change -- or that circumstances will find us together again, in need of company, if not friendship.
Vikki Ortiz, who blogs about the "adventures, disappointments, relationships and revelations of 20- and 30- somethings living in Milwaukee," for the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel is making some similar decisions.
I think breakups with girlfriends are, in some ways, even harder than breakups with guys, because they go against everything we've told ourselves about friendship since we were little. We signed our fourth-grade yearbooks with "Friends Forever," and honestly believed that's the way it would be...
After fourth grade, however, you start realizing that circumstance has a lot to do with why you are friends. If you don't have the same teachers, classmates, neighbors, roommates or whatever to talk about, you really have to find other ways to relate. History can only get you so far.
To complicate things further, your personalities begin to mature and evolve, which is mostly a good thing - except that it also can make us unrecognizable to the people who only knew your "before" version.
That's the situation I'm dealing with right now.
Brian Finch of Acid Reflux (also Miss Retrovirus) writes a lot, and well, about living HIV positive, and a little bit recently about a friendship running its course.
Just as with a boyfriend, one cannot just overlook the bad stuff and focus on the good in hopes of it just going away or not being bothersome. You can be a giving, caring, and a good person. But if the negatives remain, the resentment builds.
Sometimes the break-up isn't inevitable. Felicia C. Sullivan wrote recently on the Huffington Post about "How to Prevent the Best Friend Bust-up", after a potentially friendship-ending conflict with one of her closest friends. They found that communication was key, and often difficult - a funny thing in a world where it's supposed to be so easy.
It's a tragic irony that in our technologically advanced society, where one is able to reach someone in a myriad of ways (text, phone, email, blackberry, and the dinosaur: the letter), communication breakdowns run rampant and can destroy a friendship. Set aside time to have those critical conversations, preferably in person. Never engage in the email flame-war! Even with our frenetic schedules, Kate and I made a point to do the mid-week check-in.
Lain Ehmann, aka Knit and Purl Grrl of Scraphappy wrote an article a few years back called "Now It's Time to Say Goodbye: Ending Friendships", which Little Kou recently posted.
For many women, friendships are among the most important things in their lives. Some assume that the longer the duration of the friendship, the better the friend. But that's not necessarily true... The decision to terminate any relationship should come only after you've concluded that the connection is unsalvageable and you're better off without that person in your life. Remind yourself that ending things is the best decision in the long run, and that doing so will make room in your life for more positive, nurturing people.

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In the end I hope my friends know how important they are to me, and how much I appreciate each of them...I hope the friends I have now will be my friends when Im 80!

My friend Jenna ROCKS!

http://www.cbn.com/700club/features/amazing/Jennavave_Barbero100307.asp


I mentioned her in a previous post...now you can read about her personal journey- which is great- shes inspriational in regards to someone who had a dream and is living it.

the mom song....check it out

Jaynann sent this out...the funniest thing Ive seen in a while....

Picts of Elijiah

I dont know what it is, but I cant get a picture of Elijiah running around without it being blurry...so here are some still shots of him playing soccer and looking cute.

I want these!!!!

Silicon Moms Blog

I found the following on a blog about working and non working moms in the silicon valley....why Im totally taken with reading about other working moms and their opinions ill never know....oh wait because I feel like its good company!!! Anyway sharing some thoughts of a working mom in California with the rest of ya.

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A family unit can support 80 hours a week of work outside the home before the wheels start to come off.

In the years since my daughter was born, my husband and I have punched the family time clock in multiple ways - both of us working 40 hours a week, him working 60 hours and me working 20 hours, him working 80 hours and me working zero (we won't mention that awful time post-Dot-com-Bubble when neither of us was working more than about 15 hours...). The conclusion is always the same - cross the line for any extended length of time and watch all hell break loose.

We've tested it with our friends, too. There's S, who logs excruciating hours to keep up with the New York markets as well as her West Coast clients, while her husband stays home (or rather drives around) with the

kids. There's P&P, who do a really amazing job of balancing two high power careers by rigorous "leaving the office" discipline (it helps that they both have a five-minute commute). They all agree, however, with the basic premise - 80 hours is about the limit.

There's one family I know who pretty regularly keeps it at about 90 hours - but they do it in tandem with the world's most incredible household manager/child care phenomenon. This ain't no $10 per hour college kid, or even your average $18 per hour Silicon Valley take-the-kids-to-the-playground nanny. She's the kind who calls you at work and says, "You don't have to do anything, but you know the toilet in the guest bathroom? It overflowed this morning. I've called the plumber and he's coming at 3:00, and I've called the neighbor to bring the kids home from school, but I just want your OK before I give him your credit card number for $100." She pays the bills, handles the shopping, and signs the kids up for swimming lessons. You find one of those, or if you have a live-in grandma babysitter, you can push the limit. But not by a lot.

It isn't just the hours - you can use extended daycare to cover that. It's the being present. It's having someone aware when a child is struggling with a math concept, or getting picked on at recess - when they can't even articulate what's bothering them. You just can't do that with two parents working to the point that they come home drained and exhausted.

The unfortunate thing is that the number of Silicon Valley jobs that you can do in 40 hours a week is shrinking fast. Mostly they expect 25% more than that - at least. And, if you want to actually own your home, you're probably talking about at least one of you in an executive/partner/fast track role, where the time commitment is pretty much 7 X 24. This practically requires the other member of the couple to go part-time, which is almost impossible to find, which is why so many of us leave the workforce altogether.

And you single parents...I can't imagine how you do it. My deepest respect and admiration go out to you.

I'm sympathetic to the argument that we must all work harder to keep up in the global economy. I absolutely understand the pace of technological change that companies in the Valley deal with. But I also know that requiring more than 80 hours/week of our families will negatively impact the next generation.

Anyone have the answer?

TAG YOUR IT!

So as I was catching up on my friends blog--- I read Caseys and found out that I got tagged....so in keeping with the tradition if you will I will attempt to post 7 random relatively unknown things about me....

1. I used to choreograph and make up dance routines and acting scenes with my friend Hysha...I must have been 12-13? We lived so far from civilization we had to be creative with our time. Our garage became our stage. The sad thing is Im sure those hours upon hours of video are still in existance at my mothers house somewhere. So embarassing!

2. I once got in a fight my freshman year in highschool. This older girl( jr.) was ticked off that her exboyfriend liked me. I was glad for my friend Jason( the one in prison now), the numerous mosh pits I joined in, She tried to punch me in the stomach and I reached out and puched her in the face. She didnt try and bother me again.

3. My parents should skip this one...for they might be mad! ( sorry folks!)
But long before I had my drivers license I took my parents cars out for joyrides( what else is there to do in BFE?) But the one trip I took with my friend Sarah was to San Francisco when I was 15, my parents were gone for the weekend. Its a miracle nothing happened.

4. I love my curly hair and freckles. The two things I hated about myself growing up.

5. I still get sad about Noel.

6. I could eat cold cereal all the time. But I hate milk. Strange huh?

7. I have developed a fear of heights. Very strange for an ex gymnast and girl who used to walk on the balcony rails of her parents 3 story home.